MotherTalkers

We're Live!

2006-01-27T17:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers:

Initially, we intended for this blogspot site to be only temporary. We are pleased to announce our final move to www.mothertalkers.com. At our new domain, anyone is welcome to post comments and even start a "diary," or blog of her own. We hope you will follow us there, start up writing careers of your own and bookmark the site as a source of parenting news.

We hardly told anyone about this blogspot site and, yet, received responses in the "comments" section. Thank you for reading!

Sincerely,

Amy, Elisa, Erika and Gloria -- the original "MotherTalkers"

Puberty and The Importance of Looks/Confidence

2006-01-26T00:02:00.000-08:00

Ok...I have a problem. It's not a big one, but it's a problem, nonetheless. My daughter is 11-years-old. She is growing up and looking beautiful. She's smart, kind and funny. She's the daughter that anyone would be lucky to have. So, what's the problem? She takes after me. Now, before you jump into conclusions, let me explain. She's hairy.

I consider her hairiness to be cute. She's fair skinned and the hair she sports on her arms and legs are blond. So, they're not a big deal...to me. When I was her age, I was sporting hair that made me feel like a primate. A monkey. I'm very ethnic looking. Mexican. Dark. My hair? DARK! I remember wanting to shave my legs and arms SO BADLY, and not being allowed to by my VERY strict parents. I wasn't allowed to start shaving until I was 16-years-old. THE HORROR!!

My daughter has recently shown self-consciousness and has even asked...BEGGED to start shaving. Not only legs. No. Arms too. My problem is, how young is too young to start shaving?? I'm open to any suggestions!!

Shameful Marketing? Or Weak Parenting?

2006-01-24T14:08:00.000-08:00

It's bad enough parents must compete with the alluring messages broadcast by toy companies, clothing makers, and even cell phone providers.

Now credit card companies are targeting teenagers and one parent even asked an MSN columnist if it was okay for her 15-year-old child to have a credit card. What?! At that age, I was lucky enough to scrounge up cash for a movie.

But as author Jan Faull wisely pointed out in her column, credit card companies are targeting kids, even though they have no income. She wisely suggested talking with kids about savings accounts, credit cards, stock and bonds, insurance and interest rates, but to limit the plastic to a "guarded" debit card instead.

A credit card could be a good financial teaching tool, particularly if you've been a good financial role mode. He can learn the importance of establishing good credit. On the other hand, a bad situation could unfold if he sees how easy it is to acquire one, uses it to his financial limit, pays the minimum amount each month, and then applies for another one.

Call me old-fashioned, but 15-year-olds walking around with a MasterCard are a gross sign of over-indulgent parenting.

The Only Child

2006-01-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

I know I am young -- 28-years-old -- to stress over the decision to have a second child. Nonetheless, I admit it is something that sometimes creeps up on me as I go through my day: "If I were to get pregnant next year, Ari and his sibling would be four years apart. Will 'starting over' be worth it for him?"

"Could I continue to attend school and blog with two kids in tow?"

Admittedly and guiltily, I fantasize about the day my two-year-old son grows up and my husband and I will spend more time together. Then I am brought back to reality and told by well-meaning friends and family -- including my husband -- on what I will miss out to make such a drastic and premature decision to have only one child.

I haven't ruled out having a second baby, although I cannot handle a second one right now -- even as the age gap between my son and Baby No. 2 widens. Still, I am often sucked into discussion on this very topic as I most recently was on Julie's "A Little Pregnant".

Besides hearing from dozens of people on the matter, she also cited this University of Chicago study as food for thought and comic relief:

Look, it would take a scientist to explain it — Happinessi j = _0 +_1 _ partneri j +_2 _ fertilityi j +_3 _ Xi j + _j + _i j, for God's sake -- but the basic conclusion of the study was that while having one child does increase one's feeling of well being, having an additional child does not. In fact, the study's findings indicate that having more than one child actually tends to decrease women's happiness. (Women with more than one child are still happier, however, than women who have none. 'Magine that, infertiles.)

Julie said she is "considering each of the messages carefully" to make a decision herself, which would require fertility treatments. I look forward to her response.

I Feel Your Pain!

2006-01-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

When I read studies aimed at ferreting out gender differences, I get poised to do a little kung fu. Not because I think such studies shouldn't be done, but because so much cultural bullcrap gets poured into the analysis of the findings. Here's the latest: Men tend to enjoy revenge more than women, while women empathize more.

How were these generalizations arrived at?

The scientists scanned the brains of 16 men and 16 women after the volunteers played a game with people they thought were other volunteers but who in fact were actors. The actors either played the game fairly or obviously cheated.

...Each volunteer watched as the hands of a "fair" player and a cheater received a mild electrical shock. When it came to the fair player, both men's and women's brains showed activation in pain-related areas, indicating that they empathized with that player's pain. But for the cheater, while the women's brains still showed a response, men's brains showed virtually no specific reaction. Also, in another brain area associated with feelings of reward, men's brains showed a greater average response to the cheater's shock than to the fair player's shock, while women's brains did not.

Okay. Here's an alternative theory: Maybe the women didn't give a rat's ass if some research monkey cheated at a game in a lab. Maybe it has to do with how much members of either gender get worked up over games in general. If the cheaters were cheating on their wives rather than a game, I bet the lady brains would show feelings of reward when the cheater got zapped.

This weekend, I'll be watching a football game at a friend's place. My brain will register neither empathy nor revenge, no matter who wins or loses. My brain will register great, silvery waves of pleasure when a plate of hors d'ouvres passes my way.

Smart Read: The Alphabet Versus the Goddess

2006-01-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Even when I became inundated with laundry, dishes, soiled diapers and other childcare two years ago, one guilty pleasure I have kept up to the detriment of my sleep is reading. I have always been moved by the written word and read anything I can get my hands on: "chick lit," history books, childcare and other science books, books by my favorite stand-up comedians, political and entertainment magazines. Most recently I finished the The Alphabet Versus the Goddess (Viking 1998), an erudite -- but readable -- tome that suggests misogyny may have been introduced to society (no) thanks to my favorite pastime -- the written word.

In his book, Dr. Leonard Shlain initially set out to discover why all Western religions condemn goddess worship. “There is overwhelming archaeological and historical evidence that during a long period of prehistory and early history both men and women worshipped goddesses, women functioned as chief priests, and property commonly passed through the mother’s lineage,” Shlain wrote in his preface.

At first I was skeptical of his claim that the written alphabet may have led to the demotion of the goddesses -- thus women’s standing -- in society. After all, girls are more advanced than boys in speaking and meeting other developmental milestones. Boys don’t catch up with girls in cognitive development until the third grade, according to boy developmental book Raising Cain (another good read). But after plunging through his evidence in the 432-page Alphabet Versus the Goddess that combines anthropology and history, Shlain convinced me there was a connection between the introduction of the written word (which Shlain says is the product of left-brained, male thinking) over once ubiquitous female images (art is a right-brained, female trait, he said) to the decline of women’s rights in society. Consistently, in every religious atrocity he cited, including the most gruesome episode of witch-burning in Germany where the printing press was invented in the 16th century, some religious pamphlet had been disseminated to the public.

Thanks to the power of the written word, a charismatic, male scholar was able to convert the masses on even the most outrageous claims: Mary had no sex, yet still had a baby! Woman was conceived by a man's rib! The worship of (pretty) images was strongly discouraged as in the case of the exiled Israelis' grave sin of praising a golden calf -- a popular story in the bible's Old Testament.

The Alphabet Versus the Goddess is a fascinating review of world religions, including Eastern beliefs. It would make a good book club pick for its controversial thesis and ability to stir discussion.

The frog doth protest too much, methinks.

2006-01-18T02:21:00.000-08:00

Hey Moms: did you know a plush, talking frog has the power to sway your child's sexuality?

That's the amusing conclusion I've reached after discovering Learning Friend Lily and Learning Friend Tad, two talking frogs from the LeapFrog company that sing songs about numbers and colors in English and Spanish.

My daughter received not one but two Lilys for Christmas, gifts from relatives who know we want to teach her both English and Spanish as she grows up. Lily's pretty fun: she sings and counts and announces, in a chipper voice, that her flowers are PINK! You get the idea.

Then I went to Target and stumbled across her male counterpart, Tad.

Lily sings that she has "lots of pretty colors." Tad, on the other hand, has "lots of brilliant colors." Because HEY!! Tad is NOT a queer! No "I wish I knew how to quit you!" moments for this froggy friend.

Lily counts girly things like butterflies and bunnies; Tad counts manly things like cars and sailboats. He even has keys attached to his left hand, while Lily's left hand is, sadly, barren.

It all got me to wondering about the gender roles we insist on assigning our children, starting in early infancy. While I am guilty of swathing my daughter in pink and arranging her full head of hair in any number of cute hairstyles, I just don't care what kind of toys she plays with. Her favorite toys are a Tonka truck and a toy bus. She prefers her dad's laptop computer and cell phone to dolls and stuffed animals. I'm kind of hoping that ever-obnoxious Princess fascination that is so typical of little girls won't kick in when she gets a little older, but if it does, I'll be a sport and indulge her.

Another Christmas gift my daughter received was a set of Baby Abuelita dolls, adorable singing dolls meant too look like a Grandma and Grandpa. They sing classic Spanish lullabies in the sweetest voice. A fellow mom saw the freshly unwrapped dolls and said, "Oh! We should get these for our son!" But dad protested immediately: we're not going to buy our son any dolls, he said.

What are we so afraid of? Why can't boys play with tea sets and toy vaccuums without people making weird comments? What's wrong with little girls racing Hot Wheels if they want? Why must we put our children in boxes from the time they're born?

All I want is for my daughter to be herself. Not who I want her to be, but who she is. I will do my best to instill good values, teach her right from wrong and all that jazz. But who am I to tell her she has to like Disney Princess dolls, if she's more of a Lego kind of girl? I think we tend to get too wrapped up in the idea of molding our children into mini versions of us, rather than letting them become their own person.

I like to think I'll be just as open-minded if I ever have a son...because let's face it, there are much worse things than a boy with a Barbie.

Migraines and Babies

2006-01-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

There is no doubt that being a parent is hard work. It's a constant heartbreak and many times a thankless job. But, I have to say that this past weekend has been one of the most challenging for me.

My son, who will be 7-years-old next month, has recently been suffering from debilitating headaches. It was VERY disconcerting for me to see him hold his little head and cry. As a mother, my first thought was to make him as comfortable as I could. Then I would pray to the Gods that there could be some way I could transfer his pain onto myself. Then, I would fight my damnedest to not think the worst, which, of course, inevitably happened... (Dear Lord, he has a brain tumor!!)

I took my little man to the doctor yesterday and had him undergo a variety of tests. Glasses? Ruled out. Brain Tumor? Thank God! Ruled out! Migraines? Oh, my God...my baby may be suffering from migraines.

As it turns out, this is more common that I thought. Apparently, the National Headache Foundation estimates 60 percent of all children suffer from occasional headaches. But up to 20 percent of children may suffer from chronic or recurrent types of headaches including tension-type or migraines. How terrible is that!! My baby's doctor has ordered me to keep a journal of my son's headaches and has scheduled a follow up for 2 weeks.

I hope these headaches let up by then...

BART Ads Rile Pro-Choice Activists

2006-01-16T10:27:00.000-08:00

A Catholic group buys ad space in BART trains and stations. The ads question the Supreme Court's Roe vs. Wade decision. Activists from Code Pink and other abortion-rights supporters throw a hissy fit.

"I couldn't believe BART would allow something like this. Why are they doing this?''

You get the general idea.

This is a BAD case of losing focus. As a government transit agency, BART is not in the business of censorship, or catering to a particular viewpoint to the exclusion of all others. I can't believe that the ladies in Code Pink would advocate for clamping down another advocacy group's First Amendment rights. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

So you don't like those "Abortion: Have we gone too far?'' posters staring at you during your commute? Then read a book. Or better yet, raise money and buy ad space for your own counterpoint posters. And if you don't have deep pockets, but buckets of passion, then manufacture clever stickers and surreptitiously slap 'em up on the Catholic's ads. Stickers that undermine the ads' message or deepen the dialogue. The antidote to expression you don't like is more expression, not censorship.

As a pro-choice Bay Area mom, I'm woman enough to handle subway ads I don't agree with, so long as the ads aren't libelous or peddling misinformation. And I always love to see evidence of culture jamming on billboards and transit kiosks. Talk back!

Baby Slurps Rocket Fuel and Lives!

2006-01-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

The milk that passed between my breasts and my son's mouth, the milk that kept him alive and sated and soothed that first year, contained flame retardants, pesticides, and rocket fuel. Breastfeeding, for me, was an intimate bonding experience. I consider the presence of these chemicals in my breasts, my milk, and my child a profound act of TRESPASSING.

A colleague just turned me on to MOMS (Making Our Milk Safe) – a group that has formed to address the threat of toxic chemicals in human breast milk. They hope to have local "MOMSquads" sprout up and join together to support progressive legislation like California's AB 319 and to "shape corporate behavior through strategic market-based campaigns," whatever that means.

Did you know?

More than 85,000 synthetic chemicals are used today in the United States, with an additional 1,000 new chemicals added each year. Less than 10 percent of these chemicals have been tested for their effects on human health, much less babies.

Legislation works. Levels of flame retardants in the breast milk of first-time mothers in the U.S. were 75 times higher than their counterparts in Europe. In Sweden, regulations of flame retardants resulted in a dramatic drop in their level in breast milk over a short period.

I'm gonna go check out a MOMS meet-up in a SF cafe later this month. It features a discussion with author, biologist, cancer survivor, and nursing mother Sandra Steingraber, Ph.D., an expert on the environmental links between cancer and reproductive health. She wrote the book "Living Downstream: An Ecologist Looks at Cancer and the Environment" which reveals the extent to which present environmental hazards threaten each crucial stage of infant development.

I'll let you know how it goes!

A Devastating Break-Up

2006-01-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

Maybe it was their eight years of marriage, which by Hollywood standards is a LONG time. But I was surprised and a bit sad to learn that actors Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe are getting divorced.

I haven't felt this disappointed over a Hollywood break-up since Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman called it quits in 2001. (Then again, Nicole should be grateful she is no longer with Crazy Tom.)

Swank's publicist released no details of the break-up. I bet it will be in this week's People Magazine cover. Stay tuned...

Time Travels with Alito

2006-01-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

I listen to a lot of NPR as I drive to work and back. This morning I sighed heavily as the live coverage of the Sam Alito for Supreme Court hearings began. Always a great opportunity for stuffed white guys to grandstand. Yechhh.

One of the most troubling documents that has surfaced is Alito's job application to obtain a promotion in the Reagan Administration's Solicitor General's office in 1985, the year before I graduated from high school. In it, Alito touts his membership in Concerned Alumni of Princeton – a group formed during the 70s to contest the admission of women and minorities at Princeton. Alito joined this group at a time when Princeton was opening its doors to women for the first time.

I wonder how his daughter feels about this. His public response to this discovery? He doesn't remember being affiliated with the group. Wow. A sexist and a liar. Or a wimp. Cool. Since the Supreme Court decides cases that have such enormous impact on women, it's reassuring to know that one of the only two women on the court may be replaced by a guy who believes that Ivy League universities are degraded by the enrollment of women and minorities. That kind of sentiment may have been the norm during the 50s, but in 1985? No way. This guy's a throw-back.

Post-Partum Depression

2006-01-09T16:08:00.000-08:00

Now, I sympathize with new mothers suffering from post-partum depression. I suffered from post-partum depression with both my kids. True, I didn't suffer in the severity of, say, Brooke Shields or Andrea Yates, but I did suffer with bouts of depression following my children's births.

What pisses me off though are these mothers such as Andrea Yates, who methodically and systematically drowned each of her five children; ranging in ages from 6 mths to 6 years old. One by one. She allegedly suffered from severe post-partum depression following each of the five births, yet she continued having kids!! Now, she's pleading non-guilty by reason of insanity in the retrial of three of her five children. NOT GUILTY?? Please!!

On Spanking, Day Care, TV and other Choices

2006-01-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

Letting your kids watch TV for three or more hours a day hurts school performance. But well-chosen and limited educational programming has been linked to increased creativity, according to major studies cited in this week's Newsweek.

The magazine's January 9 edition, printed a chart -- sorry, it is not available online! -- comparing the stances of child experts Benjamin Spock, T. Berry Brazelton, James Dobson, Penelope Leach and John Rosemond with those of recent scientists. The magazine compared these child psychologists' views on spanking, disciplining, the stay-at-home mom versus day care debate, potty training and TV with studies from the last 30 years compiled by another psychologist, Jane Rankin.

Rankin's findings?

Spanking: Not much difference between kids who are not spanked and those who are spanked sparingly. Frequent spanking, though, is associated with unhealthy levels of aggression in kids.

Setting Limits: Giving your child reasons why is key. Too much punishment and not enough explaining can lead to delayed development of conscience and more transgression when adults are absent.

Working Moms: Long hours in substandard day care have negative effects on social adjustment. Stay-at-home moms get more face time, but working moms are more social with kids on weekends. No links between day care and ADHD or depression.

Day Care: No strong evidence that delaying entry into day care past 2 years of age is better. One small study suggests less socially competent 2-year-olds in group care have elevated levels of cortisol, a stress hormone.

Potty Wars: Different kids learn at different times. Training takes about nine months (more for boys). Frequent prompting works.

I was bummed to learn that potty training takes so long, especially for boys. My 26-month-old son has shown ZERO interest in his potty chair, except to use it as a toy chest. But I was relieved about the TV findings because I have no qualms about plopping my son in front of Plaza Sesamo to cook dinner or do other household chores. Glad to hear he may even gain some creativity for it!

My Baby is Cuter Than Yours.

2006-01-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

And smarter. And more physically adept. Did I tell you she walked at 6 months and was speaking in complete sentences a few weeks later? No, really. She did. It must be because she's so much smarter than your baby!! But don't feel bad. Your baby is still...special...and hey, cute outfit he's wearing!

Sound familiar? According to the latest dubious New York Times trend story, it should. Apparently, a new generation of overzealous, overeducated but insecure parents are making bragging about their children a competitive sport via baby blogs, goofy t-shirts and even those annoying "My Kid Made the Honor Roll" bumper stickers that seem to be affixed to every other yuppie SUV on the road.

According to Arlie Hochschild, a UC Berkeley sociology professor whom I happen to admire greatly, upper-middle class parents tend to believe in "intensive cultivation" via endless soccer practices, piano lessons, play dates, even going so far as to lend a (very) heavy hand with homework and science projects.

Parents are anxious about passing along to their children their own station in life, Dr. Hochschild said. "And they can't do it through land or money in a meritocracy," she said. "You do it through your kid's skills. And that may lend itself to bragging."

She also pointed out that there is a "culture of blame" involving working mothers that might lead them to brag... Mothers who spend long hours at the office may become anxious about how their children are doing. When the children do succeed, Dr. Hochschild said, "despite themselves they may brag because their child is an emblem that, against all odds, the kid is thriving."

Oy. This is a toughie. As a new mom who is completely besotted with her daughter, I'm sure my friends and co-workers get tired of my celebrating each new milestone like my baby is the next Einstein: "Guess what? She stood up today!" And I worry that baseless bragging and adulation will lead my child to end up like one of those poor American Idol rejects: completely convinced of her talent where there is none, and utterly crestfallen when Simon Cowell tells her, "You're dreadful!" and Randy Jackson chimes in with, "Yo Dawg, that was bad."

At the same time, my own mother often praised my intelligence, told me I was beautiful, and generally led me to believe I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. My father was supportive but not as effusive, and didn't hesitate to put me in my place when necessary with a well-placed sarcastic jab. The result: a fairly confident, secure and successful woman who is well aware of her shortcomings and mines them for humor.

As with all things, I suppose striking a healthy balance is the key. Love your child, but don't try to live through him. Praise your child, but teach her humility and compassion.

And don't forget: an occasional dose of snark never hurts...

Grrrreat Piece Debunking Women Trends!

2006-01-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

This article in today's SF Chronicle was like manna from heaven. It discusses the trend of media outlets publishing controversial pieces that identify women trends. Now I understand why so many of these stories stimulate my bullshit detector.

Do these ring a bell? Droves of professional women "opting out" to be stay-at-home moms! Highly educated, high earning women can't find mates! Women bad at math! The list goes on and on.

Too often, these stories are built upon single, small-sample studies; over-reaching conclusions; and anecdotes from the writers' social circle. The trends these stories purport to spot are often at odds with large scale statistics gleaned from census data. Taken as a whole, the stories seem to serve as a warning to women: don't fly to high to the sun, don't want too much, don't get too educated, don't make too much money.

This is not to say that every trend story is inherently faulty or that all trend stories are being written about women...
But women are more vulnerable to bad reporting. As Julie Hollar, the communications director of media watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting, says in a phone interview, "Women's lifestyle choices are subjected to greater scrutiny. In fact, the only other group that I can think of that get so many trend stories are youth."

GOOD STUFF. Read it and be disabused of a lot of myths being propagated about women and their choices.

A Sane Voice in the Mommy Wars

2006-01-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

As Dr. Phil, feminists, stay-at-home mothers and journalists can attest, no topic generates more online flame wars than the stay-at-home-mommy debate. Salon's Rebecca Traister warned a New York Times op-ed writer – who she slams in her column today -- to "buckle his seat belt in preparation for a bumpy 2006" on more articles about domesticity. Feminist Linda Hirshman dissed "choice feminism" -- college-educated women who "choose" to quit their jobs to stay home with their children -- because it perpetuates traditional gender roles and keeps women out of positions of power. In order to acquire power, Hirshman argues, a woman needs "to find the money."

Almost without exception, the brides who opted out graduated with roughly the same degrees as their husbands. Yet somewhere along the way the women made decisions in the direction of less money. Part of the problem was idealism; idealism on the career trail usually leads to volunteer work, or indentured servitude in social service jobs, which is nice but doesn't get you to the money."

Of course, Hirshman never tries to sell these "social service jobs" to men and, instead, wishes for women to abandon their ideals. When I read such articles, I often feel defensive because, I too, am one of those pesky college-educated women who chose to quit her job for stay-at-home motherhood. Hirshman's piece really struck a deep nerve because I had no idea that I had abandoned the feminist movement -- actually it failed me, according to Hirshman –- for my temporary choice to stay home and make zero money. (I plan to return to school this month and will cut back on some domestic duties. Nonetheless, I have no regrets of quitting my job to stay home with my son.)

But thanks to the Traister piece, my focus turned to perhaps one of the most heartfelt, objective and non-judgmental pieces in a long time on the stay-at-home motherhood versus "work" debate. Terry Martin Hekker, a mother of 5 children and grandmother to 12 children, used to write newspaper op-ed pieces and books, defending her choice as a full-time housewife. Then on her 40th wedding anniversary -- when she was 60 years old -- her husband unexpectedly handed her divorce papers.

Without denigrating other mothers for their choices -- she comes off as a gentle grandmother dispensing good food for thought -- she reveals the financial bind she faced after her divorce. She had no formal job training and very little alimony for a limited amount of time. In an inspiring ending, she picked up the pieces -- in her 60s! -- to become mayor of her town, retire, and help raise her 12 grandchildren (full circle from her earlier days with her own children).

Considering that stay-at-home mothers do not pay into social security, have no 401K plans and other money and benefits, planning for any future calamity is smart. However, I still disagree with Hirshman that the only way for women to succeed in life -- to be true "feminists" -- is to display their prowess on Wall Street.

Red Rover, Red Rover

2006-01-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

SUVs roll over. So says a study published in the medical journal Pediatrics and sponsored by Children's Hospital of Philadelphia in collaboration with State Farm Insurance.

According to the study, parents ought to rethink the notion that SUVs ensconce their kids in a protective steel cocoon. Although there are obvious advantages in the greater mass of the hulking autos, there is a doubled risk of rollover--which virtually negates the safety edge.

I have long noticed, when driving in the Sierra or Rocky Mountains in inclement weather, that the roadside ditches become littered with overturned SUVs. I always chalked it up to irresponsible advertising: TV ads for SUVs invariably show the machines tearing over virgin landscapes like monster trucks on steroids. I figured that SUV owners must have internalized the balls-to-the-wall sense of indomitability the ads portray because they would drive like frickin' maniacs on icy roads in driving snow, oblivious to physics.

Over time, research continues to fill in the picture. A couple of years back, NYT reporter Keith Bradsher published a book– "High and Mighty" – that dug into the safety stats. For a taste, go here. You'll never believe the hype about SUV safety again.

One of the more unusual facts: There's a curiously high incidence of SUV drivers backing over their own children.

Stinky Diaper Award and Other Funny Honorable Mentions...

2006-01-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

In the last few weeks, I've heard a lot about the "Stinky Diaper Awards" but I hadn't heard of these other Honorable Mentions. Here are a few, for a laugh:

The "Glow to Hell Award": Bill Maher. For saying that being pregnant is sexy. That's not sexy!! We were sexy before we got pregnant.....duh!

The "Dad Got a Better Offer Award": Kevin Federline. He left pregnant girlfriend Shar Jackson, who is also the mother of his 3-year-old daughter for Britney Spears. I wonder if he gets paid time and 1/2??

The "Malnourished Mom Award": Liz Hurley. Remember, this is the woman who said that if she were a size 12 like Marilyn Monroe, she would kill herself. Let's thank God she had a son instead of a daughter and let's hope that her eating disorder won't rub off on little Damien, now 3.

The "Spilt Milk Award": Barbara Walters. In May, Walters said on an episode of her television show, The View, that sitting near a nursing mother on a plane had made her "nervous" and "uncomfortable." Talk about putting her foot in her mouth...

The "Nanny Says It's Time for Bed Award": Jude Law & Daisy Wright. All I can say about this one is HOW EMBARRASSING, and EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I mean, come on!!! They were caught, in the act, by one of Jude's children!!

The "Man Imitates Toddler Award": Russell Crowe. I'm sorry, I'm partial to Russell Crowe. He can throw a phone at my head any day!!

The "Preaching to the Postpartum Award": Tom Cruise. I wonder if there is an addendum in the contract between Tom and Katie, er Kate, in the off chance that she may....**gasp** suffer post-partum depression!!!

A Mother's Body

2005-12-28T10:22:00.000-08:00

I remember back in the day, when my breasts would “stand at attention” without any help and you could bounce a quarter off my ass. How times have changed…

As I got out of the shower this morning, I did what few dare to do sober and without being “double dog” dared: I stood in front of a full length mirror, naked. Yuck! Granted, I am no longer 23…I’m 36, and the mother of two and BOY!! Do children change your body!!

First: The face. What’s with the sun-spots?? But apparently, almost 25 percent of women have a change in their skin pigmentation, due to hormones while they're pregnant.

Second: The boobs. Back when I was 23, I weighed MUCH less than I do now, but had bigger, perkier boobs. Now, the girls look sad… But, going down in bra size is thought to be caused by a change in the makeup of the breast. When you get pregnant, the ducts, lobules, and other glandular matter inside spring to life and push aside some of the fatty tissue, according to Natalie Angier, author of Woman: An Intimate Geography.

Third: The belly. I remember always loving my stomach! I had the flattest stomach, and sometimes, depending on the way I moved, you could almost see the faint lines of a six pack. Now? More the results of six packs of beer… Apparently, according to Sylvia Brown, coauthor of The Post-Pregnancy Handbook abdominal muscles stretch up to 50 percent during pregnancy. After such extreme stretching, the muscles will never again be as strong, she says. This means that it will be next to impossible to have a stomach as toned and flat as it was when your baby was just a glimmer in your eye. Sad…

Head to toe, these changes in my body can be devastating and a blow to the ego. The price I’ve paid for being a mom is steep, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world…

Recipe for Sex

2005-12-27T13:36:00.000-08:00

I've been casting around for something newsworthy to blog about, but these few days between Christmas and New Year's are like the Bermuda Triangle. People go missing. News goes missing. The days are surreal and sluggish, and my first day back at work seemed like trivial typing in a vast, empty office. So let's talk sex.

My hubby turned me on to a new site, www.literarymama.com. I puttered about the site a bit, checking out the goods. They have a section that features interviews with a variety of authors, many of whom I didn't recognize, but were interesting reads nonetheless. I saw Susie Bright on the menu and perked right up. What would a saucy sex advocate/educator/thinker have to say about stoking the libido after motherhood?

Her advice was gratifyingly rooted in reality:

Forget figuring out the "romantic" part. The part where your child is with someone else -- and you can do any fucking thing you want to do, including stare out the window like a tree frog -- that's the romantic part! You have to CALENDAR time for yourself even if you have no idea what you're going to do with it.

I think women need to realize that they would be much better moms if they were well-rested, sexually satisfied, and had some interests going outside their childrearing. To even have that INTENT is fabulous.

Sounds good to me! Especially staring out the window like a tree frog.

I know people want to hear about some gizmo that will fire them up, but there is nothing like a good night's sleep, a home cooked meal (made by someone else) and some creative free time to make you feel HORNY.

That's right, Daddy!

The Bizness of Believing

2005-12-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

You gotta love Americans for their entrepreneurial spirit--even when it verges on INSANE. There's a burgeoning cottage industry of Phone-a Santas, the modern replacement of the mall Santa. Moms needn't shlepp their kids to the mall to sit on some strange man's lap. Now they can just dial in to the North Pole from the comfort of their den.

These Santas working the phone banks are slick:

Parents who order phone calls from Santa usually fill out in advance a questionnaire about their child's habits and achievements and other personal details. "A lot of kids test you," said Marcella Corp, who directs the North Pole Calling program... "They're on the edge of believing or not believing. And then you pull out something specific to them, and then they believe again."

This is some serious holiday psy-ops. The cost of your child believing in Santa for another few months? Priceless. Well, actually, anywhere from $10 to $40. But that should go down once they outsource the call centers to India.

BTW, family trips to mall Santas are on the wane, thanks in no small part to Billy Bob Thornton's movie The Bad Santa, which apparently has also spurred Bad Santa copycats.

Update on Breast IS Best

2005-12-22T17:09:00.000-08:00

To anyone I may have offended with the "Media Elite" term, I apologize for generalizing. I, too, am one of those latte-sipping media elite types as I have a degree in journalism and have worked as a journalist and hated receiving similar hate mail. Without the name-calling -- sorry, I am sick and a bit emotional -- I do want to hash out one of my pet peeves about the formula versus breast-feeding debate, Salon constantly loves to mention in its broadsheet section. I strongly recommend people to scroll down to the entry "This Bad Mom Trusts the Bottle" and click through its hyperlinks and the discussion, which I think is pretty balanced.

In this most recent entry, reporter Tish Durkin of the NY Observer decries the "nutcases" who wrote in response to her column bragging at how she has chosen not to nurse her baby for no particular reason. She simply doesn't want to. Which is fine and I agree with her that La Leche League's religious followers should just leave her alone. (But it's interesting to me that she used her megaphone to write this column and then seemed shocked to receive feedback for it.)

One of the hyperlinks leads to another entry called "Baby we were born to Breastfeed?" -- and this is the source of my ire. Rebecca Straister is perturbed to learn that the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has put up billboards endorsing breastfeeding as if it were some slam on women who can't breastfeed. No. That's like me driving by a billboard that reads "Human mouths were meant to consume lots of fruits and veggies." Yes, there are people alergic to certain fruits and vegetables and Lord knows we hate eating them. But I don't think public health organizations should keep this information from the public because it may offend people. It's science!

Again, I want to emphasize that women who cannot or do not want to breastfeed should not be guilted about their decision. As a mother who received a lot of unsolicited advice from complete strangers at the supermarket, I am a fan of the "mind your own business" mantra. But should the government and other health organizations let women know that breastmilk is better than formula for a newborn baby's health? Why shouldn't they? They are expected to do so for the well-being of adults whenever there are new studies on people's eating habits and good health.

Having gone into breastfeeding with determination to follow through, I am surprised at how few resources -- such as a lactation expert -- were available to me despite medical wisdom surrounding nursing. Also, as some of Salon's letter writers will point out, there is still taboo surrounding public nursing and misinformation that formula is just as good as breastmilk. (Again, I ran into that mindset when I nursed.) I don't think Salon or any other publication should decry health officials from informing the public for fear of pissing off people like Straister or Durkin.

To Media Elite: Breast IS Best

2005-12-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

I love Salon online, especially for its snarky, in-depth political articles. But my pet peeve about it and other media committing the same crime, is the elitist and condescending tone some of its columnists take on breastfeeding.

Most recently, Salon included in its "broadsheet," an item about Massachusetts regulators mulling over a ban of free formula at hospitals. If the measure passes, Massachusetts would become the first state in the country to prohibit hospitals from giving new mothers free cans of formula -- usually supplied by the formula company as a marketing ploy. Following the advice of every top pediatrician and scientist in the world, the state would like to condone breastfeeding instead.

Like the Boston Herald, Salon is whining how the measure would deny poor women free milk and the option to bottle-feed because, they reason, formula is just as good as breastmilk. But both these publications are playing loose with the facts. From the American Academy of Pediatrics to the World Health Organization, breastmilk has scientifically been proven to be a superior food for babies than formula, giving them stronger immune systems and making them less susceptible to illnesses than formula-fed babies. Now, I am not saying that mothers who choose to formula-feed are bad parents. And, yes, there are instances when women can't nurse in the case of adoptive mothers or children with facial deformities. But, the fact -- even if you don't want to hear it -- is that breastfeeding is better. Shouldn't we condone the best for our children?

As for the argument that a single can of formula will provide adequate nutrition for the children of poor mothers, Salon needs a reality check. A can of formula, which lasts maybe a week, costs $30. Breastfeeding, which is nutrionally better anyway, is FREE. Hell, a $200 breast pump -- yes, you can still bottle-feed with breastmilk -- is a better investment for a poor parent than purchasing formula every week for a year ($30 X 52 = $1,560).

A friend of mine, who used to work as a maternity ward nurse, said the hospital pushed nursing on its youngest and poorest mothers because it found that these girls would "water-down" the formula to make it last longer. Pop quiz: Which babies were healthier? The ones who were breastfed or the ones living on watered-down formula? Exactly.

Yes, nursing can be a pain in the ass. I had a hard time getting my son to latch onto my breast and, initially, (wrongfully) worried he wasn't receiving enough nourishment. But once he learned to suck on breast and his pediatrician confirmed he was in the 90th percentile in weight, nursing became second nature to me. It's a normal part of life and has been long before the formula companies started pushing their (overpriced) products. Being a nursing mother never stopped me from going out and I nursed all the time in public -- to the chagrin of the latte-sipping, media elitist types. Rather than thumb your noses at my nursing, don't look. Also, stop misleading poor mothers about the facts on breastfeeding.

Intelligent Designers Bitchslapped

2005-12-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

A federal judge – a Bush appointee I might add – ruled today that it is unconstitutional to force teachers to present Intelligent Design as an alternative explanation to evolution because it amounts to establishing religion in public schools.

Intelligent Design is a lovely idea. Really. My son, for instance, seems like a revelation, as does the foliage of a Japanese maple, the taste of a mango. Surely these things sprung from an inspired Godhead, a master auteur, even if it took millenia of adaptation and random mutations to reach such perfection!

Of course, these sentiments spring from faith, (or maybe wishful thinking), which is a very different beast from science. When I studied the theory of evolution in college, it did not threaten any spiritual beliefs I harbored; in fact, I approached it as though I was learning how god works.

This ruling doesn't prevent teachers from talking about it. It just says that it's not science, so science teachers can't be required to teach it as if it were.

(Judge Jones) emphasized that the ruling "does not prohibit public school students from learning about intelligent design or other religious theories in appropriate social studies courses, such as a course in world religions."

I wouldn't be averse to a science teacher bringing up ID within the context of a brief, current events tangent or a historical aside regarding the tension between science and religion. Just no trying to ram religion down schoolchildren's throats, okay? Thanks.

Hunky Santa

2005-12-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

The other day, after a particularly hard day at work, and an equally challenging treck to gymnastics practice for both my kids, I sat down with a dirty martini and watched my tivo'd programs. Ellen in particular. Ellen has this segment where she shows how traumatic pictures with Santa can be for children. The pictures she shows are VERY funny and almost sad. The kids looked SO terrified.

Anyway, I was just now surfing the net for new and exciting things to do this holiday season. And I came across this "Hunky Santa" they have at the Beverly Center, a mall in Beverly Hills.

Dorothy, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

Looks like I'm going to have to sit on Santa's lap...

The Wealthier, The Stingier

2005-12-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

Not to further persecute the uber-rich crowd who, simply, don't want their hard-earned dollars pissed away on welfare, the New York Times ran a study showing that Americans who made more than $10 million a year were less likely to give money to charity than working-age people who earned $50,000 to $100,000 a year.

The study, conducted by a philanthropic research organization, analyzed 180,000 tax returns from workers aged 35 and younger and found that the more money taxpayers made, the less they gave to charity. For example, on average, those taxpayers earning less than $200,000 gave 1.87 percent of their assets to charity. That number fell to 0.5 percent for taxpayers making $200,000 to $10 million a year, and to 0.4 percent for those workers earning more than $10 million a year.

Charities estimate that Americans gave $180.6 billion of their money to them in 2003. It's interesting, though, that the crowd, which benefited most from President George W. Bush's tax cuts, also took $148.4 billion in deductions for charitable giving in 2003.

Note to the stingy crowd: We won't force you to give your hard-earned money to charity or lazy, stupid people. But please do us a favor and stop whining about how much you pay in taxes. Really, you are going to be okay.

What is it with Principals??

2005-12-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong. I think that the people who dedicate their lives to enriching the lives of our children are one step away from Sainthood. Especially, with how grossly underpaid teachers are. But I really am sick of hearing about these Principals who self-appoint themselves to do things that are wrong and clearly none of their business. First, I read about that Principal who suspended a student for speaking Spanish, and if you read my earlier post, you CLEARLY know how I feel about that!

Then I hear about this Principal, who happens to be in my neck of the woods; Garden Grove, California.

Apparantly, Charlene Nguon, a 17-year-old student, got "outed" to her mother by her Principal, for being affectionate with her girlfriend. Exactly what business is it of the Principal anyway?? I'm sure that if Charlene was affectionate with a "boyfriend" the call would have never been made.

Charlene Nguon is now suing the school district for violating her privacy. I say, GOOD FOR HER!! If I were her mother, I would be SO proud of my lesbian daughter!!!

The War on Christmas: An Obscenity-Laced Rant

2005-12-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

I can't stand it! It's so...so...everything I hate! So humorless, so lacking in context and perspective, so hypocritical, so "us against them," so let's-find-a-new-enemy! You stupid fucking people propagating and buying into Bill O'Reilly's War Against Christmas. (...which should really be the title of a comedy album, released in time for the holidays!)

Do you really think that baby Jesus would GIVE a SHIT whether Wal-Mart's holiday signage and greeters said "Christmas"?
Do you really think that you're modeling a great democracy where people of different faiths live harmoniously side-by-side, unlike Iraq? Jesus was about PEACE and HOPE and "Do unto others," and care for the poor and sick. Be humble, be servants.
Review your text, Christians! Focus, focus! Jesus could teach you quite a bit about what real persecution looks like.

I could go on and on. I'm so pissed off by this manufactured, divisive stuff. This is the first Christmas that my son is old enough to notice and participate, and we're going all out: the tree is fancy and fragrant, lights and candles glow in the night, Elvis croons his Christmas hits from the stereo. It's such a magical time: all this beauty and spectacle at the darkest time of the year. I even love the Christmas story, with its earthiness and mysticism. The star! The child! The dream of peace!

It's a crying shame that this is the same year that the bullies and blowhards decided to launch their ridiculous campaign.
By the way, who are these "secular humanists" who are running amok like evil elves?

The Best Teacher Gifts

2005-12-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

A recent letter writer to Berkeley Parents Network asked for advice on what to give her child's preschool teacher as a holiday gift. She did not feel comfortable giving money.

But, fortunately, readers "got it" in terms of acknowledging that teachers are extremeley underpaid -- especially new teachers -- and would not be offended if she forked over cash. They also gave other great gift ideas for teachers such as gift cards to local coffee shops and grocery stores, bookstores, and even clothing stores if it is known where he or she likes to shop. One teacher even wrote in to say "personal pampering" items such as "manicures, pedicures, restaurant
certificates, movie vouchers, book certificates and so on are great for almost everyone." These items, accompanied by a hand-made card and/or picture of the child, were her favorite presents, she added.

Teachers greatly influenced and inspired me. Let's spread some cheer to some of the most valuable and underpaid members of our society!

Does this diaper make my butt look big???

2005-12-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

It's been almost 11 months since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter.

My tummy is relatively flat and most of the baby weight has come off. Still, lately I have been beating myself up over those last 10 pounds I would like to lose. Every week brings a newfound vow to hit the gym with regularity, only to dissipate into another round of self-flagellation when life gets in the way once again.

And now that the holidays are here? Oy.

But today I read about this study which states the obvious: a mother's attitude toward her body will affect her children's body image and approach to dieting.

This passage prompted yet another fresh dose of Mommy guilt:

Overall, one-third of girls and 8 percent of boys said they “thought frequently about wanting to be thinner.” Girls who thought their mothers wanted them to be thin were two to three times more likely to worry about getting thinner. A similar trend was seen among boys.

Moreover, teenagers who thought their weight was important to their mothers were more likely than their peers to repeatedly diet.

I have spent way too many years since I was a teenager being unhappy about my body. I tried crazy diets and endured many half-hearted attempts at getting fit before losing 40 pounds for good about five years ago. What finally worked: doing it for me, and basking in the sense of control and limitless energy that only regular exercise can bring. I finally stopped obsessing about every thing I ate, exercised as often as I could, and life was good.

But now I find myself back on that slippery slope to self-hatred. And that is bad-- for me and my daughter.

Here's the thing: my daughter is chubby, and I revel in her chub. I take pride in every one of her rolls and cherish every ounce of her. The thought of her growing up to be self-conscious or critical of her body just breaks my heart.

I know from experience that it can be a vicious cycle, but it's one I'm determined to break by getting some perspective.

An hour on the treadmill for a firmer butt, or an hour crawling after my baby and giggling until my sides ache?

No contest.

Wal-Mart and the Working Mom

2005-12-12T21:25:00.000-08:00

Rosa Brooks confesses a big bad love for big box stores a la Wal-Mart in the LA Times opinion pages.

For frantic women who juggle careers and children, what's not to love about stores that sell practically everything under one roof? One of my female friends, a union labor lawyer who wouldn't be caught dead in a Wal-Mart, nonetheless confesses a penchant for Target. "I get a perverse thrill whenever I'm there," she admits.

Interesting lens through which to view the evolution of big box stores: to see them as having co-evolved symbiotically with working mothers who haven't got time to bop by a string of mom-and-pop shops for individual consumer products.

"How did women live before the advent of the superstore?" Brooks asks. "They generally didn't work, which was just as well because they had to spend a couple of days a week meandering from butcher shop to green-grocer to baker, not to speak of all those trips to the drugstore, the shoe store and so on."

So maybe Wal-Mart is good for working women after all, unless of course you're a working woman who works at Wal-Mart. Now say that three times really fast!

Abortion vs. Miscarriage

2005-12-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

In an odd match-up, researchers from Norway compared the post-event mental and emotional stress of miscarriage to that of abortion. They checked in on their subjects at various intervals: 10 days later, 6 months later, two years and five years down the road. Predictably, pro-life and pro-choice contingents seized on the research like junkyard dogs.
Sez one:

"The emotional suffering can be massive."

Sez the other:

(T)here was no evidence abortion directly caused psychological trauma.

Come on, ladies! Of course abortion gives some women complex feelings of anxiety, shame, and relief. And the 25% of women who are haunted by their decision to abort do not constitute a majority. Nor does this study reflect the degree to which these women are plagued by guilt. Can we stake out some middle ground, please?

This study tells me a whole lot of nothin'. What's the point of comparing miscarriage to abortion? More useful might be a study which compares the emotional result of terminating an unwanted pregnancy to carrying to full term a child you do not wish to have. The emotions that accompany pregnancy and childbirth are so mercurial, unpredictable, and hormonally charged, it's hard for me to imagine research that could quantify that ride.

I know we want these things simple for political reasons, but they just ain't.

Thanks Be To Santa Or Not

2005-12-11T23:25:00.000-08:00

Christmas used to be such an uncomplicated time of year in my childhood home in Miami. My Cuban Catholic family would attend midnight mass on Noche Buena -- or Christmas Eve -- and I would stand in the pew, fantasizing about what Santi Clos would bring me the next morning. Not a single gift would appear underneath the tree before the morning of the 25th. My father made sure of it, pulling an all-nighter on the 24th, wrapping well-hidden gifts so that Santa Claus would remain real to me until the 1st grade -- when a classmate spilled the beans.

Yes, I was sad to learn that Santa wasn't real. But as an adult who fondly looks back at her childhood Christmases and is forever grateful to her poor father who got no sleep or thanks for the gifts, I find myself perturbed by people like my husband and letter writers to BabyCenter and Berkeley Parents Network who question whether it is harmful to allow kids to believe in Santa. Here is an excerpt of a letter on BabyCenter by a mom who wishes to let her child believe in Santa even though it conflicts with her husband's beliefs:

Josie says, "My child's dad is refusing to let our 1-year-old believe in Santa Claus. He says it's wrong for us to 'lie' to him and that 'lying' about Santa could traumatize him. I just want our son to have the normal childhood memories of sitting on Santa's lap, waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve, and writing him a Christmas list. Help!"

I understand we live in an ethnically-diverse society -- especially here in Berkeley -- and that not every religion believes in Santa. Questioning the gross commercialism this time a year is also a legitimate concern. But children are already forced to grow up quickly because of our media saturated airwaves and other peer pressure. What's wrong with a little make believe? Where did the child in all of us go?

America The Beautiful??

2005-12-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

Now, I don’t understand racism, especially in this country. Unless you’re Native American, saying that you’re American inevitably means that you’re ancestors are from another country. Perhaps Mexico? Germany? Africa? I consider the most beautiful thing in being a racially diverse country, is the ability to bring your flavor. We can still be proud that we’re American, but we should also be allowed to embrace our heritage, by way of tradition, or speaking our native tongue.

This morning, I read an article from the Washington Post that goes against everything American stands for, entitled “Spanish at school translates to suspension”.

In it, 16-year-old Zach Rubio, who attends Endeavor Alternative School, in Kansas City, got suspended for speaking Spanish. Not in the classroom. No, no! He got suspended for speaking Spanish with another classmate in the hallway!!

“It was, like, totally not in the classroom," the high school junior said, recalling the infraction. "We were in the, like, hall or whatever, on restroom break. This kid I know, he's like, 'Me prestas un dolar?' ['Will you lend me a dollar?'] Well, he asked in Spanish; it just seemed natural to answer that way. So I'm like, 'No problema.'

Since then, the issue of speaking Spanish in the hall has not been raised at the school, Zach said. "I know it would be, like, disruptive if I answered in Spanish in the classroom. I totally don't do that. But outside of class now, the teachers are like, 'Whatever.' ""

Said Rubio: "I'm mainly doing this for other Mexican families, where the legal status is kind of shaky and they are afraid to speak up. Punished for speaking Spanish? Somebody has to stand up and say: This is wrong."

Or, as I would say, “Esto es incorrecto”!!!

Pee & Poo Toys??? What??!?!

2005-12-07T00:49:00.000-08:00

So, I couldn't sleep. I get up to surf the internet and hope to find new and interesting gift ideas for Christmas. Then, I come across this gift suggestion:

"Straight out of a toilet and into your bed . The new Pee & Poo toys are cute, cuddly and a little controversial. Designer Emma Megitt launched her unique friends at the Future Designer Days Expo this year. The first batch of Pee & Poo toys hit Sweden and where sold out quicker than you can say Abba. The controversy surrounding a line of toys representing human waste has created great publicity for Megitt and has launched her name into the designer world spotlight. Originally sold separately Pee & Poo now come in a duo pack. So you get both bodily functions covered in the one box."

Now, I'm sorry. I don't know if it's just me or what, but I don't find these toys cute, interesting OR necessary. Just plain disgusting.

June Cleaver Redux

2005-12-05T22:04:00.000-08:00

Salon writer Rebecca Traister flips through the new magazine Total 180! – a publication for professional women who have "opted out" of their careers to be stay-at-home moms – and comes away shaken:

Whatever studies tell us about whether privileged women are or aren't opting out, this magazine, produced by women who have, suggests that some stay-at-home moms are in a dark, dark place.. I was left petrified by Total 180! and its vivid depiction of the inequities of domestic life that I -- apparently naively -- had assumed were a thing of the past in a post-feminist world.

Her disquietude was nothing compared with the shocks she would endure interviewing one of the magazine's three co-founders, Debbie Klett. Here's a choice bit of dialogue:

Klett: Look what's happened by not putting the family first.
Traister: What's happened?
Klett: It seems like there's a lot more weird stuff going on in society than there used to be.
T: Are you blaming the weird stuff on the feminist movement?
K: No, not really. But you've got a lot of moms who tried to have it all and you're seeing the results of that in that children were not getting as much dedicated attention as they were before when you had June Cleavers. I heard on TV recently that kids in grade school were giving oral sex to people for a dollar. I don't know if that went on in the 1950s but I sure didn't hear about it. I wasn't around in the '50s but you know what I mean. Why is that happening now?

Zowie! Klett presents a disjointed, uncomfortable blend: one minute idealizing an era that was oppressive as hell for women, and the next minute advocating for flextime and on-site daycare. "I think that somewhere between the 1950s and now, that's the happy medium we're trying to get to now. If we could have the liberation but still put family first."

To me, feminism, boiled down to its essence, is about self-determination. You want to stay at home? You want to work? You want both? Do what suits you. It's about saying YES to what you want, and just as importantly, saying NO to what you don't want. What I don't get is this new wave of women who revert to being slaves, martyrs, and doormats. You can surely "put family first" without pulling this thankless retro act. Equality–even when your roles have become specialized with one parent working outside the home–is still possible.

What's in a Name?

2005-12-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

As evidence that this country is growing more conservative and male-dominated, more women are choosing to take their husbands' last name, according to recent research by a University of Florida professor.

The study, written by UF linguistics professor Diana Boxer, found that "adopting a husband’s last name remains an entrenched tradition that is on the upswing, despite a temporary blip in the ’70s, ’80s and early ’90s."

For her research, Boxer's team interviewed 134 married women in their 20s and 70s who live in different parts of the country. Boxer found that only 24 of the women -- or 18 percent of the participants -- kept their own surnames, compared to 107 women -- or 77 percent -- who took their husband's name. The rest of the study's participants -- or three of the women -- used hyphenated or other last names.

Most of the women cited family unity -- "for the kids" -- as the reason they took their husband's name. But Boxer listed examples that suggest otherwise. For example, divorced women who kept their married name to share with their children, did not hesitate to adopt a new husband’s name at remarriage, even though it meant their name differed from their children's.

As a woman who proudly kept her last name and even gave her son a long-ass, hyphenated-last name, this study struck a deep nerve with me:

Understanding naming traditions is important because they give clues about underlying social patterns and shifts in attitudes about expected roles for women, said Boxer, who presented some of the findings at the International Association of Applied Linguistics meeting in Madison, Wis., in July. “People say ‘It’s only a name, what’s in a name?’ Well, we think there’s a lot in a name,” she said. “Linguistic symbols tell us how people are treated in society.”

The practice of women automatically taking their husband’s surnames was first challenged in the mid-19th century by abolitionist Lucy Stone, Boxer said. From then on, women who retained their birth names after marriage came to be called “Lucy Stoners,” with negative connotations, she said.

“In a 1997 study of more than 10,000 Midwesterners, men thought women who kept their surnames were more likely to work outside the home, less likely to enjoy cooking, less likely to attend church and -- this is the clincher -- less likely to make good wives,” she said.

My family -- except for my father! -- and my husband's family have given me grief for my decision not to change my last name. It's amazing that after 5 years of marriage I still receive holiday cards from well-meaning family members and friends who assume I have taken my husband's surname. This should not be happening in an egalitarian society.

The Horror

2005-12-02T22:23:00.000-08:00

So I'm laying in bed on a Friday night with my husband. The kid is sleeping peacefully down the hall. Do we pillow talk? Stare deeply into each other's eyes? Share about our day?

No. We watch every one of these atrocious karaoke videos made by mothers who harbor rock-n-roll fantasies and enjoy the fresh scent of Snuggle fabric softener.

"Thanks to all of the talented moms who entered the 'Snuggle Be a Singing Scentsation' contest -- they've really showed us how the fabulous scents in Snuggle liquid fabric softeners and dryer sheets make them want to sing," says Helayna Minsk, Snuggle marketing director.

I mostly feel neutral about advertising mascots. But that Snuggle bear makes me want to rip out its stuffing and light it on fire. My video would get voted off fast, due to violent content.

Apparently, fabric softener makes these moms wanna ROCK! Like, doesn't laundry make you wanna ROCK? I remember reading an article where all these female rockstars were asked, "When do you most feel like a woman?" Chrissy Hynde of the Pretenders deadpanned, "When I'm doing the dishes."

What Type of Mother Are You??

2005-12-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

Well, I just finished taking this fun little quiz called "What Type Of Mother Are You", and found that I am an "Encouraging Mom"!!

My kids will be so pleased when they find out!!

What kind of mother are you? Take the quiz and find out!!

Book Review: Jesus Land

2005-12-01T10:58:00.000-08:00

Julia Scheeres and I first met when we worked as reporters for Wired News. In 2001 she reported on a devastating earthquake in El Salvador and I, a Latina, was amazed that this stringy-blond-haired, midwestern girl could conduct an entire interview in impeccable Spanish.

"Where did you learn to speak Spanish?" I marveled. "Christian reform school in the Dominican Republic," she answered nonchalantly.

My initial reaction was "ah, okay." But over the years, I have had the privilege to get to know Julia and listen to her engrossing tales about Christian fundamentalism, and yes, good reasons I would never want to go to Christian reform school. She captures her experiences there and other timely, hot button issues in her first memoir Jesus Land (Counterpoint, October 2005).

Set in the 1980s in rural Indiana and, later on, the Dominican Republic, Jesus Land is a true story about a white fundamentalist Christian family who adopts two orphaned black boys. (It's what Jesus would do, her parents reason.) This painful memoir, which is peppered with laugh out-loud anecdotes about "commies" and Rapture, is Julia's earliest memories of her black brother, David, who is the same age as Julia, and how their relationship is strained by racism in their Indiana town. (Julia admits to ignoring David, the only black kid in school, so that she can fit in with her white peers.)

However, they end up sticking together to overcome the extreme dogma and punishing tactics of "Escuela Caribe" in the Dominican Republic. Sitting down without asking for permission or humming a secular tune are grounds for punishment at Escuela Caribe, literally meaning "Caribbean School" in Spanish. The severest punishments meted out include a teacher putting on boxing gloves and beating a student while quoting biblical passages.

David, who received his fair share of beatings at home and at school, is a sympathetic figure. All he wants is a family like the Brady Brunch. Instead, Julia's parents make him and his brother Jerome sleep in the basement apart from the rest of the family. Their father beats them. Their mother tells the boys to "turn the other cheek" in the face of racist bullying in school.

The aloofness and cold detachment of the parents will shock and make readers shake their heads at the hypocrisy of the Christian right. Julia's mother never expresses love for Julia or her brothers. Yet, she displays an insatiable appetite to convert loin-clothed Africans to her church and help elect Christians like Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush to the White House.

Warning: The end of the story is a real downer. Nonetheless, this is a memorable and chilling profile of the Christian right.

Dr. Cruise?

2005-12-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

Is Tom Cruise officially crazy? Let's look at the evidence: First, jumping on Oprah's sofa's, then fighting with both Brooke Shields and Matt Lauer about the evils of psychiatry and anti-depressants. Now, he has bought a sonogram machine to monitor the progress of Katie, (or, as he now calls her "Kate") Holmes pregnancy.

"Add the American College of Radiology and the Food and Drug Administration to the growing list of medical organizations who are taking issue with Tom Cruise. In a statement obtained by E! Online, the chair of the ACR Ultrasound Commission, Dr. Carol M. Rumack, claims that "untrained people" such as Cruise should not be allowed to purchase such medical devices, and that "there are many abnormalities that may be missed by the untrained eye."

The statement goes on to claim that "if it is not medically necessary, the use of ultrasound raises unnecessary physical risk to the fetus."

Run, Katie! Run!!!

Intolerant Teachers??

2005-11-29T19:46:00.000-08:00

I just returned from a Hawaiian vacation. For the flight home, I bought the latest People Magazine, you know, with Britney, Kevin and Sean Preston on the cover?? I was flipping through the magazine and came across an article that angered, irritated and saddened me.

The article read: "Bounced from Preschool, Nursery school delinquents? Some tots are getting the heave-ho for unruly behavior". The article indicated that a 2005 Yale University study of state-financed classrooms estimated that more than 5,000 U.S. preschoolers are expelled each year - a rate three times higher than in elementary schools.

It reads, "Schools say they are prompted to take such action when a student's behavior - such as hitting, biting or throwing things - interferes with the smooth running of the class. The trend troubles some experts, however, who say too many schools are shirking their responsibility by tossing out, rather than dealing with, tots who act up or lag behind. "We are creating a group of children who are very likely to come to kindergarten with serious problems," says Dr. Jack Shonkoff, dean of Brandeis University's School for Social Policy and Management."

Now, I understand that there is a shortage of teachers and that they are grossly underpaid, but this "intolerance" can only lead to children, that need that extra bit of attention, being left behind.

Thanksgiving Cliches

2005-11-28T14:17:00.000-08:00

This past week, how many TV stations ran news shorts about the poor, needy, homeless, and fell-on-hard-times folks filling their plates with turkey at the local soupkitchen, church, or charity? I'd guess roughly a gazillion. And how many well-meaning people, bowing their heads around a table, thanked God for the heapin' mounds of food they were about to hoover down, earnestly concluding "...when there are so many who go without"?

Well, this "let's take a moment to think about the poor" holiday reflex has become so cliche, that I was pleased to read about this more meaningful gesture launched in Durango, Colorado. The Walk a Mile project paired elected officials with low-income mothers. The local policymakers pledged to live on a food-stamp budget for one month, just like the moms. The result?

State Rep. Mark Larson, R-Cortez, blew the $114 budget for him and his wife in two weeks.

"It was really eye-opening how quickly that went away," Larson said. "I had to think what were the repercussions if I exceed that budget in two weeks and had to go two weeks without it."

Durango City Councilor Renee Parsons busted her $104 budget on holiday fixings.

"With Thanksgiving, it's an impossible situation. It's an impossible task," she said. "I don't even eat a lot of meat, and I'm a pretty frugal person."

Parsons said she began to feel tired after a couple of weeks on the food-stamp budget because she ate less.

Image if every policymaker who uttered holiday-cued nonsense about the poor were forced to participate in a program like this! Especially those Republican Congressmen (turkeys!) who are trying to extend their big tax cuts for the rich by squeezing the foodstamp budget.

Most foodstamp recipients are moms. Many are single and many of them work. Those are some hard shoes to walk in. Three low-income residents who responded to the Walk-a-Mile fliers were turned away because not enough policymakers were willing to participate.

Mothers Who Need To Get Lives

2005-11-25T18:30:00.000-08:00

I am all for women -- even the ones I disagree with -- to raise their children as they deem fit. But this boycott of American Girl dolls struck me as ridiculous:

"Girls Inc.," one mother warned, "is pro-abortion and pro-contraception and pro all the other lies the secular world wants our girls to believe." Roman Catholic schools in Brookfield, Wis., and St. Louis canceled American Girl fashion shows, where girls were to dress up like their dolls. And the Pro-Life Action League of Chicago called for a boycott of American Girl, which is owned by Mattel.

Okay. As a stark reminder of the time religious fanatics outed Tinky Winky and SpongeBob SquarePants, religious mothers are now fuming over American Girl's decision to donate money to Girls Inc., a girl-empowerment organization that has a 141-year history. American Girl, by the way, is the antithesis of Barbie, representing normal-looking girls and teaching them wholesome American values. The dolls even come with books on where the dolls come from and from which period in American history.

While Girls, Inc. does provide girls with sex education, particularly low-income girls, I think the response from these women is evidence that we need organizations such as Girls, Inc.. If they are paranoid that their daughters won't speak to them about sex and must resort to visiting a Girls, Inc. center, then perhaps they should re-examine their own values. All companies -- including mommy favorites such as WalMart and Target -- give money to politicians and organizations that, sometimes, I don't agree with. But I am not going to boycott them and deny my family their favorite comforts.

I was encouraged by the letters to Newsweek, calling out these mothers and defending American Girl and Girls, Inc..

Why Old Sparky Should Flame Out

2005-11-23T12:38:00.000-08:00

A teenage offender was wrongly executed in Texas, according to a sickening, but in-depth series by the Houston Chronicle.

Ruben Cantu's conviction and eventual execution largely rested on a single eye witness report, which has since been rescinded:

That eyewitness, Juan Moreno, was a 19-year-old illegal immigrant when, along with his friend, he was shot at least nine times during the Briggs Street robbery. Moreno survived; his friend did not.

Now, Moreno, the accuser and key witness, has joined Garza, the accused accomplice, in telling the Chronicle that Cantu was never at the murder scene.

"They put the blame on the wrong person," Moreno said. Cantu "was innocent. I am sure."

Shame on Moreno for not clearing Cantu's name sooner. But, this tragic incident should be reason enough to abolish the death penalty.

A Brave New World

2005-11-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

Infertile couples, women prone to multiple miscarriages and parents wanting to save a child from a terminal illness -- by sifting through healthy embryos for another baby -- are relying on a procedure called Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis, according to a recent article by the New York Times.

The procedure, known simply as "P.G.D.", lets doctors screen through embryos and implant only the healthy ones into the mother. Women with multiple miscarriages due to chromosomal defects in the embryo -- the most common reason for miscarriage -- have used the procedure to bear healthy children. Other couples such as the Flynn family in this article have used the procedure to bear children whose bone marrow could be used to save their daughter from Fanconi anemia, a disease that leads to bone marrow failure and carries a high risk of childhood cancer.

While I applaud these couples' courage for going through a complicated procedure, it is important to note that P.G.D. is not fool proof and carries some ethical dilemmas. The Flynns ended up having twin girls with Fanconi -- now three daughters total, with the fatal disease.

There is the possibility that parents could sift through the embryos and select their ideal traits in gender, intelligence and physical strength. Think there is no individuality in the suburbs? Imagine a generation of perfect -- most likely, white -- genetic babies.

Also, the hysteria of this mother bothered me:

"My doctor told me I would never have a biological child," said Ms. Santos, who lives in Gillette, New Jersey. The diagnosis was a chromosomal translocation a mix-up in the arrangement of a few genetic pieces that leads to a high proportion of abnormal embryos and a 90 percent rate of miscarriage.

"It was depressing having all those miscarriages, but when they told me it was over, I wanted to kill myself," she said.

I understand being devastated at not being able to have a child. (Santos, by the way, did bear a daughter thanks to P.G.D..) But to want to kill herself? The doctor should have waited before offering the procedure.

American Boobs

2005-11-22T20:38:00.000-08:00

A team of researchers from Harvard Medical School has come across yet another reason for women to breastfeed: it reduces a woman's chance of developing type 2 diabetes. So add that to the long list of benefits breastfeeding confers on both feeder and feedee.

Breastfeeding is clearly a cornucopia of health advantages. Then why do so many women struggle with it, give it up, or forgo it altogether? Do breastfeeding difficulties vary from culture to culture? My curiosity led me to an article in LaLeche League's magazine Leaven.

Though breastfeeding is a natural act, many mothers have found it to be anything but instinctive...It is a social behavior: we learn - or fail to learn - how to breastfeed from those around us. Many women today, in the United States and other countries, have simply not had the chance to learn how to breastfeed their babies.

Boy, that's the truth! While my breastfeeding experience was mostly positive, my breasts were like complicated gizmos with no instructions. The article goes on to say, "The greater the dissonance between breastfeeding worldview and breastfeeding biology, the more likely a mother is to experience difficulty or dissatisfaction with breastfeeding." The author takes a stab at summarizing the "Mainstream American Breastfeeding Worldview," which "poses major challenges to breastfeeding."

Recall the worldview of the majority of people in the US: people are innately bad, independence is highly valued, human beings are masters of nature, the time focus is the future, and human activity means accomplishing something.

I recognized a couple of my own beliefs reflected in the above profile, particularly the "accomplishing something" part. I'd lounge around nursing all day, enjoying it immensely, but also chastizing myself for all the things I could be accomplishing but wasn't. And then there were all the well-wishers who advised me to get my son acclimated to the bottle so I could "get out." Independence was an assumed, shared goal.

Too Young For Sex Education?

2005-11-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

Now, I’m all for teaching children how to speak properly. I never taught my children to call their “privates” any other names but the proper ones. My son knows that he has a penis and my daughter knows that she has a vagina. But is it really necessary to volunteer sex education to children at such a young age?? According to this article I read in the NY Times, it is.

Robie H. Harris, a leading author of sex education books for children, started on the topic in 1994 with "It's Perfectly Normal" for pre-teenagers. Since then she has found herself addressing progressively younger audiences: first with "It's So Amazing," geared to 7-year-olds and up, and now "It's Not the Stork," due this summer, and intended for children as young as 4. In 2008 she is to publish a volume aimed at 2½-year-olds. Her steady downward demographic shift, she said, is purely in response to parental demand.

Now, I’m not saying that we should continue the lie of the stork, but in my opinion, gratuitous information and images such as the one posted above, which is from the book "It's Not the Stork," geared for children age 4 and up, are NOT necessary.

Pimp My Stroller

2005-11-21T20:26:00.000-08:00

How much is too much when it comes to your children?

For the record, I like to spoil my 10-month-old baby girl as much as the next gal. She has more toys than she could ever hope to chew, and her outfits are always perfectly color-coordinated, right down to the dainty bows in her hair.

I also like to think of myself as stylish and trend-conscious, so when I first heard about Cookie Magazine, I thought it would be right up my alley. It's described as an upscale lifestyle and parenting magazine, for busy but choosy moms.

But once you open the pages, their definition of "upscale" becomes unpleasantly clear. Want a cashmere turtleneck for your kid? This one's only $145! Get a matching hat for just $70!

This magazine is meant for the type of parent who will pay $750 for an ordinary-looking stroller, and shell out $300 for a diaper bag.

I'm not that kind of parent.

For $750, that stroller better propel itself through GPS technology, have some spinning rims, charge my cell phone and make milk and juice stains vanish into thin air. It better quiet a crying baby the second her tushie hits the seat, or I want my money back.

Funny thing is, I thought my Graco Travel System was pretty fancy, what with its cup holder and clock/temperature gauge. Now I know Gwyneth wouldn't be caught dead pushing my pedestrian pram.

But that's OK. That extra $600 we didn't spend on a stroller went into my daughter's college fund. The $250 we didn't spend on a diaper bag was donated to the American Red Cross for Hurricane Katrina relief.

While it would be fun to strut around with the latest, hottest baby accessories, I know that the choices we make today will impact my daughter well into adulthood. I hope that we teach her the value of hard work and humility instead of avarice and ostentatiousness.

Because who wants to raise another spoiled, brainless rich girl?

Having Only One Child

2005-11-19T17:49:00.000-08:00

My biological impulses tell me otherwise -- and my husband certainly wants another child -- but the more I mull it over and read online, the more inclined I am not to have a second child. After a rough night that included drinking and my son waking up earlier than usual -- with me being the only parent to get up -- I gave my husband an ultimatum: You do 50 percent of the childcare with a second child, or, we simply do not have another one. He told me he couldn't help out with the son we already have so I plan to get on birth control when I get home from Chicago.

My decision does not mean that I do not like children or that I do not madly love my son (I do. If anything, the ONLY reason I want another child is to give him a sibling). But as a loving mother, I recognize that I have limits -- my energy and patience reserves are running out! -- and I will shortchange my son if I don't recognize them. I am 28 years old and would like to have a career outside of motherhood. I plan to go back to school in January and will do so without spending any less time with my son. If I had a second child, I would have to drop out of school (because of nursing and childcare costs).

We enjoy traveling and must do so because all our family live so far away. Already it is difficult and expensive to travel with one child -- there is no way I could do it comfortably and cheaply with two children in tow.

Because we don't have parents nearby, my husband and I hardly ever get out together. The truth is I hardly think about my husband. I can't think of the last time I bought him a gift or wanted to do something thoughtful for him. I am so consumed with taking care of our son and he is so busy with work that we live parallel lives. Having another child will not remedy this situation and I don't think this is in the best interest of our son.

I was relieved to read the comments on Berkeley Parents Network and BabyCenter, suggesting that parents do not harm their only children when they choose not to give them a sibling. Even parents of multiple children and only children themselves wrote letters of support, which bring me peace on my decision not to have another child.

Poo-Pooing Diapers

2005-11-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am going to admit something in Berkeley that is akin to supporting the war in Iraq or purchasing non-organic produce: I use disposable diapers on my son. And they are not the so-called biodegradable kind from Whole Foods -- but Huggies, which I buy in large boxes from Target.

It wasn't always this way. Prior to my son's birth, I competed with all the other Berkeley mothers in protecting the environment and raising my son the way my Caribbean ancestors did – the au natural way, which included changing at least 10 cloth diapers a day. I subscribed to a diaper service and even wrote an article for Wired touting the advantages of cloth versus disposable diapers, especially for baby boys.

But after seven months of receiving no help at home with diaper changing -- my husband travels often for business -- I cancelled the service and switched to disposables. Still, I often feel a twinge of guilt when I receive press releases such as this one from Knowaste touting diaper recycling due to the mountain of poopie diapers sitting in landfills:

Seoul, Korea -- Facing rapidly diminishing landfill capacities, the South Korean National Assembly is currently exploring new recycling options to help offset its disposal of solid waste, recently considering innovative disposable diaper recycling technologies introduced by international recycling leader, Knowaste LLC. Hearing testimony on the significant problems associated with disposing of diapers, Korean National Assembly members explored diaper recycling programs that Knowaste is implementing on a worldwide basis for environmentally-conscious countries and municipalities.

“Seoul’s landfills will be full by 2020, and outlying regions will run out of landfills in five years,” said Korea Zero Waste Movement Network Commissioner Mi Hwa Kim. “The government should actively explore ways to recycle consumer waste such as diapers.”

No, it doesn't make me want to go back to using cloth diapers. But, I often wonder if our own government will have to resort to some regulation due to the mounds of waste produced.

Toxic Toyz

2005-11-17T13:58:00.000-08:00

There's probably a gazillion toys sporting buttons and bows and projectiles that can choke, strangle, or put a kid's eye out.

What I consider much more insidious are toys made from toxic substances. Case in point: Polyvinyl Chloride. Also known as PVC or vinyl. You know, that new car smell. Think floppy bath tub books and Barbie's camper van. Think teething toys.

What is known?

It is generally agreed by all researchers that phthalates are given off freely by PVC. This is caused by mechanical stress (bending, pressure, chewing), solvents such as fats, oils, saliva... and temperatures over 85° F, which causes it to migrate in gas form.

BTW, pthalates accumulate in body tissues, and can damage liver, lungs, and have been shown in lower mammals to damage reproductive organs. PVC can also include lead, although it is hard to tell which PVC toys contain lead and which do not. Furthermore, it's hard to tell by looking which plastic products are made of PVC. And "there is tendency of manufacturers to resist efforts to obtain this information."

A lot of lip service is given to our "free market" and how great it is for consumers. The competition! The innovation! But how free is our marketplace, really, when the consumer doesn't know what she is buying? When toy companies are not required to disclose what their toys are made of? Do the best products and companies really come out on top? Does the consumer really win when her baby is gnawing on a PVC ring?

Harmful Toys

2005-11-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

World Against Toys Causing Harm, also known as W.A.T.C.H., issued its 10 Worst Toys list for 2005. Most of the toys on the list pose choking hazards or can cause serious face/eye injuries.

The ten most dangerous toys are:

1. Target's Baby Serena - Baby I'm Yours doll, for potential choking hazards.
2. Fisher Price's Little Mommy Bath Baby Doll, made by Mattel, for potential choking hazards.
3. Animal Alley Ponies, distributed by Toys R Us, for possible ingestion injuries.
4. City Blocks, distributed by IQ Preschool - Small World Toys, for ingestion and choking injuries
5. The Camouflage Water Bomb Fun Kit from Pioneer Worldwide, could cause eye injuries.
6. The Splatmatic Pistol Splat Paintball Shooter, also made the list because of its potential for eye, face and other impact injuries.
7. Hasbro's Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith Energy Beam Blaster, for potential eye, face and other impact injuries.
8. The Lord of the Rings - Return of the King Uruk-Hai Crossbow set, for it's potential to cause eye injuries.
9. Geospace International's 38" Air Kicks Kickaroos Anti-Gravity Boots, which fit over shoes and help children bounce around, also made the list. for potential head or other impact injuries.
10. Toy Biz's Fantastic 4 Electronic Thing Hands -- a pair of oversized fists -- made the list because it could cause blunt impact injuries.

So plan for your Christmas gifts accordingly...

Goodnight, Cigarette

2005-11-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

The publishers of Goodnight Moon have digitally deleted the cigarette from between illustrator Clement Hurd's fingers.

The photograph of Mr. Hurd cheerily grasping a cigarette between the fingers of his right hand has been on the book for at least two decades. Kate Jackson, the editor in chief of HarperCollins Children's Books, said it only recently came to her attention, at a meeting to discuss how to publicize the book's 60th anniversary in 2007.

"We had a lot of copies out on a table, and all of a sudden we realized that in the photo on the back of the jacket he was holding a cigarette," Ms. Jackson said. The company was about to reprint the hardcover and paperback editions, so "as a quick fix, we adjusted the photograph" to eliminate it.

While Goodnight Moon was an icon of my childhood, I recall neither author nor illustrator pix on the cover. I was too enamored of the room itself. In fact, a couple years ago I had the realization that my living room bore a strong resemblance to the bunny's snug digs--round rug, color scheme, bowl of mush... Hurd's aesthetic weedled its way into my young, spongey brain, but not his smoking habit.

Where's the curmudgeonly smokers' rights advocates, crying out for justice? Enter bookseller Pete Cowdin, who calls the publishers "corporate Stalinists" and has created a Web site that features a cow, jumping over the moon with a cig dangling from his lip.

Hurd's son imagines that his dad would have been "thoroughly amused by this." Me too.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment?

2005-11-16T20:45:00.000-08:00

To teach her truant 14-year-old a lesson, a mother in Oklahoma had her daughter stand on a busy Oklahoma City intersection, holding a sign that read, "I don't do my homework and I act up in school so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."

Many Oklahomans wrote letters of disapproval to the local newspaper editor and one motorist even reported the mother to the cops. In her defense, the mother said:

"This may not work. I'm not a professional," said Henderson, a 34-year-old mother of three. "But I felt I owed it to my child to at least try."

Good for her! Sure, Henderson's form of punishment is humiliating -- as all punishment is intended. But her method seems gentler -- not to mention funnier -- than hitting. Also, she should address her daughter's truancy, which by the way -- according to the mother -- has improved since her daughter's short stint with the sign.

People Who Remain Childless

2005-11-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am still bitter from my awful day in cold Chicago, but I found this article in the Chicago Tribune interesting: Destiny's child-free. Basically, it is about women who choose not to have children. There is plenty of lingo used by the childless to describe mothers and their offspring. Apparently, there is an organization called "No Kidding" that caters to this bunch:

Connolly says that she's not going to regret her choice to be child-free and that she's sick of people telling her she's too young to be certain.

"I just don't think of my life in terms of ever having children," she says. "I have two children right now: my two boxers. My dogs will be my children. That's how it's always gonna be."

Often, I wonder if these women will ever live to regret their decision, especially when they are old and gray and there is no one to take care of them. But today I am feeling like, "Lucky bitches get to sleep in!" Good for them for standing up to societal norms.

Traveling the Highway to Hell

2005-11-16T16:10:00.000-08:00

As the holiday season approaches, the media is already doling out advice to weary, travel-bound parents. This particular Illinois newspaper offered sensible advice such as feeding the kids when they are hungry and taking naps whenever possible. Sure, it sounds like common sense, but it is amazing how a mother who has traveled as often as I have -- with my two-year-old son -- still has a hard time keeping it together on the road.

My most recent trip to Chicago is already riddled with so many disasters -- except, thankfully, losing my son -- I am wondering if we should ever leave this apartment for the remaining four days of our trip.

My husband and I thought it would be a great idea to surprise my brother-in-law -- in (burr) Chicago (burr) -- for his birthday. After forgetting to pack books and toys for my son, we still managed to make the 3-and-a-half hour flight from Oakland, California, with minimal screaming (only 15 minutes worth), get our luggage and rental car and make dinner reservations at 7 p.m.. There was no time for a nap. But apparently Mommy needed it more than toddler.

The next morning (today) for breakfast, I loaded up the stroller with hats, mittens and way too much baby gear. Once outside, snowflakes fell (the first snowfall we have witnessed this year!) and the wind cut through our faces. My toddler whined. I took out my wallet and placed it in a cubbyhole on top of the stroller. I adjusted my son's wooly hat and put on his mittens. I put on my own coat. (It was warm inside of the apartment so I did not put one on.) Once at the restaurant, I realized that my wallet was missing. It must have fallen off the stroller! I left my screaming -- and hungry -- toddler in the restaurant as I ran out to the sidewalk to take a look. Nothing.

We returned to my brother-in-law's apartment. My husband scrounged up a banana and some applesauce for our son while I called my bank to cancel my credit cards and even the social security office. (I foolishly placed my social security card in my wallet.) The California Department of Motor Vehicles told me I had to pick up my new license in person. Now I have no photo identification for the airport. Maybe we are being naive, but my husband and I figure many people lose their wallets on vacation. We plan to arrive early enough to get me patted down, my luggage searched, and, hopefully, on the plane back to Oakland.

I was on the phone for at least an hour. I even had to call my health insurance company to get my policy number in case of an emergency. Yes, my family's life was in that wallet. I completely feel violated as I remember seeing a scruffy-looking man (probably homeless) with something in his hand, pass by the restaurant. There is a good chance I will never see that wallet or its contents again.

Like a hungry dog, I waited for my brother-in-law to come home from work to drive us -- and pay -- to go to a restaurant. Once we ate, I tried to withdraw money from an ATM machine, using my husband's debit card. The machine credited my account for the money, but did not dispense the cash. Once again, we returned to the apartment so that I could call the bank in Chicago and my bank back home in California. At least that ordeal ended. After battling my son for some time -- I coaxed him and read him the books I bought in Chicago -- he, finally, went down for his nap. The Windy City is so cruel.

A Child Molester's Dream??

2005-11-16T13:59:00.000-08:00

Sharon Cline of Atlanta, Georgia has sent lawmakers a slew of letters begging them to change a Georgia law that allows children of any age to marry, without parental consent, as long as the bride-to-be is pregnant. She has been trying to change this law since her 13-year-old niece has married her 14-year-old boyfriend.

At age 13, I was a completely naive, innocent little girl, who had just started her period and who had not started shaving her legs. I think of myself at that age and cannot even fathom the idea of being married or pregnant. I hadn't even kissed a boy!! But apparently there is a law in Georgia that no one has bothered changing and some people are taking advantage of it; like Lynette Clark, age 37, who married her 15-year-old "baby daddy" to avoid child molestation charges. Talk about disgusting!!

More Spank Talk

2005-11-15T21:43:00.000-08:00

My sense is that a person's feelings about spanking are profoundly informed by one's own experience as a child. I got spanked plenty by my dad, who had some major anger issues. Coming from him, spanking truly was a parental temper tantrum, and the message was definitely "You made me mad and you're going to pay the price." Punishment often involved humiliation; typically, we had to pull down our pants and offer up our bare asses. This was NOT COOL, especially when our butts were exposed to oncoming traffic and my older sister was approaching puberty.

For me, spanking was rolled up with shame, hatred, and broken trust, so I've avoided using it. However, I know I have a breaking point, just like everyone else, and an impulse to swat when my boy is being defiantly bad and nothing else is working. There are many parenting years ahead of me, so I can never say never to spanking. But for now, I'm sparin' the rod.

To Spank Or Not To Spank?? That Is The Question.

2005-11-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

As a Mexican-American born into this country and raised by immigrant parents, I was spanked. I never considered dialing 911 and never considered myself abused. I knew that I deserved every one of those spankings.

As a parent, I have used corporal punishment in my home. I believe any responsible parent must teach their children that bad behavior brings consequences. Because of the consistency of this teaching, I have found that I have very rarely had to resort to spanking my children. As a result, I have very well mannered, respectful children and as they get older, their punishment change. Now at ages 11 and 6, spankings are not as effective and one must improvise.

But I get so frustrated when I come upon articles like the following: Spanking Linked to Anxiety, Aggression. In this study, 336 women from 5 different countries were surveyed. Their children ranged from ages 6 to 17.

Of course there is going to be anxiety and aggression when you’re spanking a teenager!!

Then I read the following opinions of so-called “experts” that really tick me off: Dr. Steven Parker said the following, which I totally disagree with:

"Finally, spanking is often nothing more than a parental temper tantrum: You made me mad and you're going to pay the price. In that case, spanking usually has more to do with vengeance than instruction. ."

What he is referring to is abuse, not discipline. For God's sake, if you're that pissed with your kid, have a martini and chill...

What Makes A "Cool Mom"??

2005-11-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

What is a “cool mom”?? In my opinion, it’s someone who knows the music of Gwen Stefani and Greenday. Who can identify Kanye West and Tupac. Who knows some of the designer labels and who can sit and watch The O.C.

In my opinion, a cool mom is someone who’s children and maybe their children’s friends feel comfortable talking with about their problems. A “cool mom” will offer up good advice and steer their children and possibly their children’s friends in the right direction, without being oppressive or judgmental.

Silvia Johnson, 41 of Golden, Colorado, obviously has a different concept of what a “cool mom” is. This Cool Mom Got a 30-Year Jail Sentence. She wasn’t a “cool mom”, but rather, a sad excuse for a parent. Not all people should be allowed to breed.

Family Friendly Entertainment

2005-11-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

Got a call from the Dove Foundation tonight. I swear, the guy’s voice was the closest I’ve ever heard to a voice-recognition recording. There was even a disquieting pause after my answers, as though they were being electronically processed. The caller’s subsequent remark would be wholly unrelated to my comment. Christ’s own robot brigade.

Creepy silence greeted my comments that my family watches very little TV, and that I perceived there to be plenty of family friendly movies out there. (Not to mention family-friendly activities besides staring at a screen together.) Dove thinks I need more information. Hmmm…

Their shtick?

…to encourage and promote the creation, production, distribution and consumption of wholesome family entertainment. We are supported primarily by donations from families such as yours who want to move Hollywood in a more family-friendly direction.

No surprise then, that Dove’s advisory board is stocked with Christian booksellers, washed-up actors, and TV producers associated with mawkish slop like “Touched by an Angel.”

But the movie reviews are hilarious! The reviewer will describe the film in earnest, even express their enjoyment of it, then explain why it’s not appropriate. Example: “Good Night and Good Luck” has 2 GDs (that’s goddamn, in case you wondered…) Check out the report card for “Jarhead.” Now that’s entertainment!

No Rest for the Wicked

2005-11-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

The market for sleep aids has grown into a billion-dollar industry while the number of certified sleep clinics have tripled in the last 10 years. These numbers, however, don't include the millions of mommies who have read every book and taken every piece of advice to desperately catch up on z's (like I have).

After two years of motherhood, I can count on my one hand how many times I have gotten that extra hour of sleep in the morning. I can also count on one hand how often I have received even six hours of simultaneous sleep. Thanks to my shrunken bladder and sensitive mommy ears, typically, I wake up at least two times in the middle of the night. At least I have stockpiled concealer for my eyes.

Last night my son woke up, crying, three times! With stinging eyes, I hit the google search button to see what I can do to remedy the situation and instead came up with this story: "How Do You Get Your Baby to Sleep?" Adding insult to injury, it is a recent story about women who have hired nurses to make night calls to their homes.

Now, if I could afford nighttime help, I would snag it up. But, seriously, what are the rest of us supposed to do in place of plastering fake smiles on our zombie-like faces?

Disturbing Old School Discipline

2005-11-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

My children both gave up the binky on their own when they were 3-years-old. I loved their binky and found myself stocking up, in the event I happen to lose one....there was always another one handy. It comforted them and comforted me. But everyone in my family was bothered by their dependence on the binky. They offered up advice on how to get them to stop using it. "Put some Jalapeño juice on it, that'll get them to stop." I told them, "If it bothers you, close your eyes or look the other way." C'mon! How mean is that!!

Then I read this article, "Mom Thought Chili Powder Safe For Baby". Where the 6-month-old baby in question died due to her young, troubled mother putting a chili powder concoction to have her daughter stop sucking her thumb.

What's next?? Getting a spray water bottle with one part water and two parts jalapeño juice and spraying it from a distance, a la George Lopez' comedy routine?? Being a parent is hard work and there should be no short cuts. Especially cruel ones like these...

-Gloria

Do Kids Break Up Marriages?

2005-11-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

Before I became a mother, I swore up and down that my husband and I would never change in our affection for one another. We would always find time for dates and cuddling.

I even had the nerve to scold a friend of mine -- who was a mother before me -- that she needed to pay more attention to her hubby.

Now I find myself relieved -- and even gloating -- when I see the closest of couples publicly bicker over the raising of their children. An editorial on MSN today offered up tips on selecting a marriage counselor.

It all reminds me that the sleep deprivation and lack of physical affection is temporary. It doesn't mean that our marriage is about to end. Nor does it mean that we will be sneaking around to have sex -- if at all -- for the rest of our lives.

Then again, some woman out there might have concocted the secret recipe to maintain romance even after giving birth. She is not me.

Motherhood and Dating

2005-11-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

As a single mother of two children, ages 11 and 6, one is left to wonder when the right time to date is, what should be shared with the children and the moral dilemma of bringing someone else into the family dynamic.

In surfing the net the other day, I came across an advertisement for an interesting book. Well, at least the title caught my attention: "Mom, There's a Man in the Kitchen and He's Wearing Your Robe" The Single Mom's Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly by Ellie Slott Fisher.

The description of the book reads like this:

"Embarking on the dating scene can be a fun though sometimes daunting prospect for any single woman. But for the more than 10 million single women in the U.S. with children at home, dating is a much more complicated matter. Whether uncoupled through divorce or death, single moms face a wide range of questions: When will I be ready to date and how do I start? When-and what-should I tell the kids? What happens if I love the guy and the kids hate him? In Mom, There's a Man in the Kitchen and He's Wearing Your Robe, Ellie Slott Fisher, a once-widowed, once-divorced single mother of two, speaks with refreshing candor about balancing dating and parenting. Drawing upon her own experience, the stories of many other women, and the advice of family psychologists, Fisher offers encouragement, strategies, and a healthy dose of humor for the single-but-looking mom-from how to meet men in the first place to when to introduce your date to the kids, from when and where to work sex into the equation to how to talk to your dating teenagers without looking like a hypocrite. Practical, funny, and hopeful, this is the one guide single moms need before jumping into the murky waters of the dating pool."

I have always thought the honesty is always the best approach. Of course, leaving out gratuitous information...I think I'm going to have to get a copy of the book.

-Gloria

The Nanny Dilemma

2005-11-11T12:32:00.000-08:00

Is it fair to hire immigrant women to help raise your children when they have children of their own?

This L.A. Times story inspired very mixed feelings for me. It details the relationship between an affluent white woman and her Salvadoran nanny, and the very different lives they lead.

Margoth Enriquez helps Stacey Arnold, a stay-at-home mom to four small children, until 6 p.m. five days per week.

Then she boards a bus to the other side of town, where her 3-year-old daughter and two teenage sons anxiously await her arrival.

Similar scenes play out throughout Los Angeles County every day. Immigrant women leave their children at home — with siblings, relatives or bargain baby-sitters — so they can earn a living caring for other people's children...

Inevitably, immigrants feel the pull between their employer's children and their own families. Every day, they take their employer's children to play dates and the park, often unable to do the same with their own. They pick up their employer's children from school while theirs take buses.

Often, the only baby-sitters they can afford are untrained or unreliable.

"The immigrants are paying each other," said Arizona State University professor Mary Romero, author of "Maid in the U.S.A." "Somebody has to take care of the children. It's the nanny or the maid's child who gets the short end of the stick."

I couldn't help but think of my beloved, late Abuelita Concha, who left her five children in Mexico after their father died so she could come to the U.S. and make enough money to support them. She worked as a nanny in a swanky beachside community, eking out enough of a living to send for her children one by one.

After her death, I found pictures of the children she cared for among her belongings, along with letters and cards they sent her long after she stopped working for them. Clearly, she made an impact on their lives.

In the Times story, Stacey Arnold makes it clear she appreciates her nanny, pays her fairly and even considers her a "co-parent."

Without Margoth, Stacey says, "I probably wouldn't be as good of a parent…. I'd be pulled in so many different directions."

Having Margoth "allows me to have some freedom to do some things for myself, which in turn, I think, makes me a better parent because I come back refreshed."

As a full-time working mom, I completely understand where Stacey is coming from. Parenthood can be exhausting, and leaves you very little time for yourself. If you can afford help, that's a blessing.

But I also feel for Margoth, who will likely never have that luxury.

The People in my Neighborhood

2005-11-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

You may be surrounded by sickos and not know it yet. Go to your state Megan's Law website to find out. Every state has their own form of Megan’s Law, the law named after the 7-year-old Jersey girl who was raped and killed by a known molester who had moved across the street without the family’s knowledge. California publishes the whereabouts of convicted sex offenders on a website, where you might even view a few mugshots and the grisly details of your neighbor’s offenses. Enter at your own risk, especially if you live in a dense, urban area or see the world as generally benign.

Knowing where these Lesters live can complicate matters – like school bus routes. These Texas moms are bummed:

The mothers told KPRC Local 2 that their children are forced to walk by the sex offenders' residences because the school district does not provide bus service since they are only 1.9 miles away from the school. The district offers bus service for students who live 2 miles away from the school they attend.

Some of the mothers said it is difficult for them to walk their children to and from school because they are single parents, do not have a vehicle, are taking care of other children or have conflicting work schedules.

Sometimes the safety and simplicity of my own childhood seems like a distant dream.

Being Short is a Bitch

2005-11-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

Many children and their parents -- okay, their parents -- want to know how tall they will be as adults as indicated in this health story by the BBC. To assure narcissistic parents like me and my husband, Belgian and Canadian researchers even came up with a "simple" calculation, using a child's age, height, weight and leg length to determine how tall -- give or take two inches -- a child will be as an adult:

Also, according to the researchers, their prediction method could prove practically useful in sports. A problem in youth sports is that there is a bias toward kids who have already begun their adolescent growth spurt, study co-author Dr. Adam D. Baxter-Jones told Reuters Health.

But if, for example, a short adolescent boy is merely a late bloomer and destined to top six feet, then volleyball may indeed be his game.

No, my husband who is all of 5 feet and 7 inches tall and my 5-feet-2-inch-self did not expect to raise the next Michael Jordan. But as short and skinny bookworms who wanted our own son to escape his teenaged years unscathed, we hoped he would reach as close as possible to a respectable 5 feet 11 inches. Based on our own heights and our history of normal puberty, our pediatrician doubled our son's height at his 2-year checkup yesterday and determined he would be 5 feet 9 inches tall. While I was relieved he would at least be taller than both his parents, my normally open-minded husband let out an inappropriate, "Dammit!"

Okay. Soccer it is.

Screamin’ Brats & Cappuccino

2005-11-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

This NY Times article made me want to dole out some spankings.
The author describes the children who run riot in cafes and restaurants and the parents who get offended when proprietors and patrons complain or set limits.

She sums up it up as “another skirmish between the childless and the child-centered, a culture clash increasingly common in restaurants and other public spaces as a new generation of busy, older, well-off parents ferry little ones with them.”

I’d argue that it’s not really about the kids. And it’s definitely not about the age of the parents. It’s about entitlement - that gross, graceless approach to shared public spaces. This is no different than the lady who loudly yammers on her cell phone while waiting in line or the guy who parks his penis-extension car diagonally across two parking spaces.

My kid is loud and rowdy in restaurants and cafes. It’s a combination of his age and temperament, among other things. I know that his behavior probably lowers the enjoyment level of diners at nearby tables, so we rarely eat out. If we do, we go to loud-ass family-friendly places. I don't feel bad about this.

I regret the divide that forms between people with kids and people without. Many parents don’t care about the polarization, but I do. A little thoughtfulness on both sides can go a long way toward mitigating this rift.

I have choices: I don’t need to force strangers to accommodate my child’s wild antics all the time. It’s unnecessary. (Well, except on airplanes…)

Spanks to the crazy parents who threatened lawsuits when a restaurant wanted to designate a “family friendly” area!

-Amy

A Not So Intelligent Bill?

2005-11-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

While we are on the topic of politics -- the news media, except for Fox (of course!), is dominated by the discussion -- I thought readers would be interested to know that the parental notification initiative for abortion failed here in California. I think it was a vote of confidence on the part of parents that their teenagers would, indeed, tell them if they were pregnant.

Also, two different school boards -- one in Pennsylvania and the other in Kansas -- gave different views on the Intelligent Design debate. In Dover, Pennsylvania, voters ousted Republican school board members who favored reading a short statement to 9th graders on "intelligent design," or, in essence, the biblical story of creationism before learning about evolution. In Kansas, the board of education approved science standards for public schools that cast doubt on the theory of evolution.

Hey, we already trail many Asian countries in teaching math and science to our youth. Let's not let politics get in the way of our self-destruction.

-Elisa

The Politics of Dancing...

2005-11-09T11:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I am taking the opportunity to use this blog as my sounding board. I have so much on my mind and I feel this is a good way to vent.

A little over a year ago, I waited anxiously for the release of Michael Moore’s, Fahrenheit 9/11. On opening night, I went with my mother, and my right-winged brother. My brother has one of those kids that had the Bush 2004 buttons on and would just scream, “Bush, woo-hoo!!” for no apparent reason. My nephew was 6-years-old at the time and it disturbed me beyond belief.

A few months ago, I was home, alone with my son. My daughter was with her father. Fahrenheit 9/11 was on cable and I decided to sit and watch it. My son came into the room and asked if he could lay down on my lap. He did, and quickly fell to sleep…or so I thought. He listened to what was being said in the movie and it is now obvious that he was disturbed by what he had seen. Of course, at this time, I didn’t know it.

A couple of weeks went by, and I was having lunch with a girlfriend of mine. I took my son along. When our lunch arrived on the table, there was a moment of silence, while we each dug in. My son took this as his opening and asked my friend, “Amy, what do you think about President Bush?” My friend looked at me before answering the question. I thought, ‘I’m going to see where this goes.’ My son then continued, “I think he should be taken out of his position because he’s a terrible President. He sat in a classroom for 7 minutes!! 7 minutes!! He did nothing while the planes crashed into the twin towers!!” My friend turned to me and whispered, “I want me one of those.”

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that when a child doesn’t form their own opinion, it can be disturbing when they parrot the views of their parents. When they repeat what they’ve heard their parents say and don’t form their own thoughts, its sad. My son and I had a very long talk after that. I wish he hadn’t seen the movie, he is far too young to grasp the severity of the issues. But my boy did reach his own opinion and is disgusted, just like his mother…

-Gloria

The Politics of Parenting

2005-11-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

It's an Election Day, so I've got politics on the brain.

About one year ago, on the day of the Presidential Election, I was 7 months pregnant. I had a monthly check-up that morning, and I remember butterflies (and baby kicks) in my stomach as I waited for the returns. I wanted my daughter to be born into a country with hope, and I foresaw nothing but bad things if Bush was re-elected.

When Bush won, I was in despair for weeks. What kind of country would my daughter grow up in? Was it unfair for us to bring a child into such a troubled world?

I resolved to look toward the future. Raising children with good values and a progressive mindset is the only sure way to ensure that this country will change for the better. And the way things are going lately, it can only get better, right?

But today I saw this. And it got me to thinking: how will I teach my child about my political beliefs? Will I actively try to shape hers? What's the best route? A children's books that spells it out? Lectures? Involving her in political activism?

In the end, I want my daughter to think for herself. I don't want her to be some creepy kid who parrots everything her parents say. All I can do is teach by example. I don't care if my child grows up to be liberal or conservative, straight or gay.

If she grows into a woman who knows compassion, curiosity, generosity, loyalty and respect, then I will know I have done my job.

-Erika

I Voted Today

2005-11-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

Today I went to my polling place to vote on a handful of ballot measures. One, Prop 73, would require that doctors notify parents 48 hours in advance of performing an abortion on a minor.

I voted no. Why? Because even though I am a mother now, I’m committed to remembering my teenaged self. I was one of those gals who would have never told my parents about an accidental pregnancy.

I can’t let my desires as a parent obscure my best reference point for reality.

A snapshot of myself at 17: My relationship with my strict, religious parents had deteriorated to the point where I had decided to leave home. I’d gone to live with a couple of girlfriends. Thankfully, the town had a free health clinic where we could get check-ups, birth control pills, and all the condoms one could possibly need, so unwanted pregnancies were rare in my crowd.

There are good reasons why some girls don’t want to talk to their parents. I’d bet money that many of the religious folks advocating for this bill are the same people whose children don’t confide in them.

For daughters who fear parental abuse or retribution, the bill offers an out: these girls can apply for a judicial waiver. Oy! Just what they need! Another authority figure to pass judgment on their predicament.

What do these girls need most? I wish someone would ask them.

-Amy

Fortune Gets It

2005-11-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

I am one of those lucky moms who had the choice to stay home when my son was born two years ago. But I have been dismayed by the old "mommyhood versus work" debates that often flourish on message boards and the rash of articles such as this NY Times piece berating women for leaving the workforce to take care of their children. The insinuation is that a.) an educated woman is too smart to be a stay-at-home mother and b.) once she leaves the workforce there is no turning back.

Finally, Fortune Magazine -- yes, that is the premiere business magazine -- has published a sensible and uplifting story about women who left the workforce and then returned to similar, if not, better positions:

"Some women leave the corporate high life but are then lured back. In 1998, Brenda Barnes famously gave up her $2-million-a-year job at PepsiCo to spend more time with her family. Six years later she joined Sara Lee—and now she's CEO (as well as No. 3 on our list). Ann Fudge was the president of a $5 billion unit of Kraft Foods (and No. 34 in 1999) when she decided to take a two-year sabbatical. She came back to corporate life as chairman and CEO of ad giant Young & Rubicam in 2003."

The article also noted:

"If there's a single thread that ties together the experiences of these women, it's that taking control of one's own life can feel as bold as wielding power in a corporation. "It's not that they're abandoning it or walking away," Potter says. "I see it as women really exercising their full set of options. And I think that's just a gutsy, powerful thing to do.""

Of course, not all corporations are as welcoming to women who have decided to have kids. How about an article on that?

Single Mama Drama

2005-11-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

As a little girl, I always imagined how my life would be. I would travel the world, fall in love, get married, then have beautiful children….well, things don’t always work out the way we imagine.

With my daughter, now 11, the marriage part came second. Divorce quickly followed. I learned I was pregnant with my second child during a time in my life that was consumed with immaturity and bad decisions. I credit my son, now six, with saving my life.

I worked with my son’s father, and so when I learned I was pregnant, I quickly quit my job and disappeared in order to attempt to get my life back together. Once my son was born, the “sperm donor” and I made financial arrangements and he told me that he thought it would be best if he weren’t around.

Fast forward almost two years later…I get served with paperwork. The “sperm donor” wants to be a FATHER!!! He wants visitation and we have to go to court. After a very emotional conversation with my son’s father, I made it clear that unless he was sincere in his intentions that it would best if he would just leave us alone. I told him that if this was an attempt to lower child support, that I would gladly waive this support if it meant not breaking my son’s heart. He assured me that he was sincere and that he just wanted to get to know his now 2-year-old son.

We worked out visitation so that everyone was happy. Needless to say, his visits became more and more sporadic and were shorter and shorter. My son last saw his father on his third birthday. My son will be seven in February.

Now I’m left with wondering what the right thing to do is. I can’t make my son’s father love him. At the same time, I don’t understand why he doesn’t. Everyone who comes across my son, strangers and family alike, are all touched by my son in one way or another…and yet, the man that’s biologically connected isn’t. It breaks my heart, because my son would have been just fine had he never met the “sperm donor”.

So, what to do? My son questions why his father doesn’t call. My son questions why his father doesn’t visit. He wonders if he has done something wrong.

Now, I have all these questions….Do I take the “sperm donor” back to court to revise the visitation and support order?? Do I call him and ask what the hell is wrong with him?? Do I leave things as is?? Do I tell my son the truth and hope he understands?? Am I putting myself in danger for my son resenting me when he is older??

Being a mother is a constant heartbreak…

Published by: Gloria

Breastfeeding Bummer

2005-11-06T23:05:00.000-08:00

I was married almost five years before I even considered having children.

For several years, my husband and I even entertained the idea of not having children. We were so giddy in love and enjoyed each other's company so thoroughly, we reasoned a child would only alter our wonderful dynamic. And did we really want to be one of those uptight couples whose every thought was consumed by their kids? We fancied ourselves too passionate and cosmopolitan to ever want to be weighed down with diaper bags and sippy cups.

But another major reason I was hesitant to have children is I was DEATHLY afraid of giving birth. I was a precocious 15-year-old snot when my mom gave birth to my youngest brother, and I lived to regret asking if I could be in the delivery room. It was bloody and gruesome and above all, SCARY. My baby brother's umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and he wasn't breathing. I watched in horrified silence as the nurses huddled around his tiny blue body, working feverishly to get him breathing. He ended up spending one week in the NICU and today, he is a healthy 14-year-old. Still, watching his difficult entrance into this world affected me deeply. I liked to joke that it was the best birth control method ever!

Fast forward 14 years, and I gave birth to a perfect baby girl, after what could only be described as a perfect pregnancy, labor and delivery. Thanks to the wonders of the epidural, Princess Chunky arrived after I pushed through four contractions. There were so many jumbled, wonderful thoughts clanging around inside my head when the doctor handed her to me for the first time. One of them was, "Wow, that was easy!"

Karmic retribution was already on the way.

I had never been too enthused about the idea of breastfeeding. I was formula fed, as were most of my peers, and the idea of having a baby suckle on my breast gave me the creeps. I resolved to try my best, but not beat myself up if it didn't work out and I resorted to formula.

Breastfeeding proved to be difficult from the start. By my second day in the hospital, my nipples were cracked and raw, and I was sobbing with pain every time she latched on. After one week of pumping, my nipples had healed and we tried again, with better results. P-Chunk took to the breast with ferocious enthusiasm, literally nursing every 90 minutes or so. Never before have I experienced such sheer physical exhaustion. I mourned the loss of my independence even as I fell in love with my daughter's angelic, boob-drunk face. But I soldiered on.

Then came mastitis, a horrendously painful breast infection that also caused a high fever and uncontrollable, bone-deep chills. Not to mention that nursing my daughter became heinously painful again.

At 3 months, I got mastitis again. Did I give in and say, "This is too hard! Where's the Similac?" NO!!! Something in me snapped. Every setback, every obstacle only made me more determined to continue. I WOULD NOT FAIL. If cavewomen could nurse, why the hell couldn't I?

Finally, we settled into a groove. The next 6 months were smooth sailing, and I finally came to enjoy nursing my daughter. It was a time to snuggle and smell her and enjoy the softness of her skin. I adored nursing her to sleep every night, and looked forward to nursing her during my lunch hour on the days she was at day care. And as a working mother, nursing helped me feel connected to her. Even if I was at work all day, I reasoned, she still needs me for nourishment. I am still vital!

Princess Chunky is 9.5 months old now, and not eating as much. My milk supply is starting to dwindle, and I had resolved to continue nursing until she hit the magical one-year mark. The thought of weaning her made me a little melancholy, but I was peaceful in the knowledge that I had fought like hell to give her the best possible nutrition, despite daunting setbacks.

Then the pain returned.

We took a short flight today, and I nursed my baby girl so that her ears wouldn't bother her too much. Shortly after we landed and I settled her into her stroller, I started feeling sharp, stabbing pains in my right breast. They increased in frequency as we made our way to the car, and I was shouting in frustrated pain by the time we got on the freeway. One hour and dozens of guttural screams later, they finally subsided. Google tells me I'm probably looking at a yeast infection, which will probably cause this pain every time I nurse until antibiotics do their thing in about a week.

Google also tells me P-Chunk is also likely to be infected, even though she isn't showing any symptoms. We will have to be fastidious about applying medication and disinfecting everything that touches her mouth at least once a day, or we could just keep passing the infection back and forth in a vicious cycle.

I feel defeated. I don't know if I can soldier through this again. The pain may be too much to bear one more time. We planned to start the weaning process soon, and I know she has received all the benefits of breastfeeding by now. Still, I wanted to stop on my terms. When we felt ready, not when pain and suffering pulled the rug out from under me and my baby girl.

I will call the doctor tomorrow and pray that my middle-of-the-night pumping isn't unbearably painful. I will wallow in self-pity and fight back some tears. Then, if I know myself, I will figure out a way to get through this and stop thinking about ME. About why I have to go through this, and what I did to deserve this.

If there's one thing motherhood has crystallized, it's that it just isn't about me. My daughter isn't ready to wean yet, and I don't have the heart to make her go cold turkey, no matter how much pain I am in.

One way or another, she's going to get her Mami's milk until her first birthday.

And once we reach that milestone, I plan to drink many, many margaritas.

posted by: Erika

Welcome Fellow MotherTalkers!

2005-11-06T17:51:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is a no-nonsense, real-world, guilt-free blog on motherhood today. We will bring you the latest news and debate on modern motherhood written by women who are everything from full-time, stay-at-home mothers to single mothers who work full-time outside of the home. Like our own mommies, we strive to do our best. But we are no June Cleaver. Laura Schlessinger beware!